Life's Changing. HOLY CRAP.

I'm not on this as much as I want to be. I'm sorry.

If some of you haven't noticed, I'm leaving in three weeks and four days (25 days) and when I talk to my friends about it, some of them mention that I don't seem excited to leave like the others and honestly, I'm not. I'm not excited because I left all my excitement back in June - When I was ORIGINALLY suppose to leave - and so right now, I'm left being anxious and nervous.

I'm slightly jealous over some people that I was suppose to leave with have their first duty stations while I'm still here, just barely leaving for BMT... I'm not discouraged at all though, I'm happy for them and I know everyone has different paths in life... I suppose mine was postponed and there is possibly a reason why I'm still here.



A part of me wants to stay because I don't want to leave the people here behind but I guess that's because I'm too comfortable here. It's time for me to leave and do something for myself... Every time I come to California, I feel like my life's stuck and I'm not going anywhere. It's time.

The other half of me is wanting to go but is scared that I won't make it even though I haven't started it yet. I feel like I can handle the yelling and the mental challenges and even the studying for the EoC exam but I feel like I'll have somewhat of a struggle with the physical part of it. I'm more scared of getting injured, being held in Med Hold and then discharged. I'm scared of getting recycled, I'm scared of not making it and being discharged but... I'll try to stay positive.

I think I'm putting in too much though into this... Sometimes I feel like, since my parents and I put in so much time and effort to make this happen, that I have to really do this perfectly. I feel like if I don't pass and make it though, not only will I disappoint them, but I won't be able to make them proud. Since graduating high school and going off to college isn't necessarily something to be super proud about, I feel like I owe it to them at the least. I spoke to my mother last week about that feeling and she told me this: "You haven't started and you're already negative. Just go do it and do your best, give it your all and if you can't do it or it's what you don't want to do, we'll figure something else out. You can either go back to school, or you can continue modeling/print ad's/commercials and do something you want. But first, give this a try. No what matter what happens, I'm proud of you for trying. Your dad and I will be proud of you no matter what." - That kind of made me feel better.

I actually have been thinking about redoing modeling, especially being around Andi a lot (she's trying to get an agency to hire her). Her and I are pretty much best friends and every time I'm with her, I think about the old days when I modeled. Now, I can't because I no longer have the image for it but that can always change. But I thought about going back to it, especially trying to tackle the Asian market but... I don't know, we'll see.

My other feelings? One is about my grandmother. I thought about visiting her before I leave... But I don't know where she's at. Both sisters of my father didn't want to take care of her after her third stroke (apparently, it's a hassle and they're too busy to do it) so they placed her in a senior home. I don't know where though. The sisters don't like my mother and vise versa and I haven't talked to any of my cousins on my father's side because we all... Just don't. But I'm going to try and get a hold of one of the sisters and get an address so I can see her. Ever since her third stroke, she wasn't able to recognize people very well so I'm afraid she doesn't remember me... But I plan on visiting her anyways. I'm her and my grandfather's favorite out of all the children in the family and everyone knew about it. Ever since my grandfather died, my grandmother got really attached to my parents and I (since she loves us the most) so it saddens me that she might possibly not remember me.

Another one is AH. (Did you expect that to come about?) Ever since AH and I fought two months ago, I haven't gotten the courage to say anything else. I still want us to be friends even though I've somewhat accepted the fact that I can't have him right now. He's busy, I'm busy. I don't know. But I really do still want him to be a part of my life... But, I don't know. I'm not sure if I've thought this through (like always). Sometimes I wish to know if he's proud of me for doing what I'm doing... Deep down, I'm sure he still has feelings for me. I guess it's just that there's obviously nothing we can do. (shrugs)

But for now, I've just been at Institute, chilling with everyone before I leave. I'm surely going to miss everyone.

Life's going to change. And I'm scared.