Otter Has A Date With...

Just when I wanted to run today, it rains. Then it stops, then I decided to go out and buy pizza, buffalo wings, some alcohol and just chill at home freezing my ass off... And then what happens? It rains again. So, I suck it up like a boss and walk in the rain with no umbrella and no coat. Um, BADASS? Yeah.

I wore my Navy PT uniform. (Thanks, dad) and walked in the rain and it was like, 48°F! Just breathing made fog come out of my mouth. But I sucked it up and did it...

I walked, bought pizza and buffalo wings at Papa Johns, some soda, some liquor and a few sticks of Slim Jims. Mmmm, perfect. And then I walk back home...

And then, I get a text from Licorice - Orange's high school friend - and he textes me about wanting to have dinner with me on Saturday night... Well, more like 4~4:30pm...

I asked what we'd be doing and where we're going so I can dress accordingly but of course, it's a secret because he's planning it. This is one of the reasons why I hate surprises.

I don't know what to wear!

So yes, heartbroken little Otter is going on a date with a nice boy named Licorice. But in my heart, there's nothing more than I want than to go on a date with Blue Fox... Since Blue Fox has never brought a girl out on a date before, I want to be the first. And hello, I'm still-kinda the girlfriend... Sigh.

I know that it's not fair for Licorice but... I love Blue Fox. Always and forever. I'm doing this just as a small dinner date, to get to know him, make a new friend and see what happens but I'm sure that I'll be thinking about Blue Fox the whole night there.

Update! Nevermind, I now know where it is... It's at a casual-elegant restaurant in Long Beach called "Tantalum"... Sounds like tantrum. (HAHA)

((( http://www.tantalumrestaurant.com/ )))

Now... I'm freaking out even more. I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR!

Sigh. What am I going to wear?!?! I haven't been to an casual-elegant restaurant in a long time! Hmmmm...

This is making me feel even more sad... Because there are guys out there who are wanting me, waiting for me, want to bring me on dates, want to be my boyfriend and there are two guys that plan on wanting to make me their wifey... HUGE SIGH. Even though I have all these guys around me, I only look at Blue Fox; I only think of him, see him, love him. Sometimes I wish he knew how lucky he was... I know that he said that he was happy that I was with him and would be by his side and I know deep down he knows how lucky he is but he jokes that I should be the happier one because he's "perfect"... Well, sorry to break it to you Blue Fox but I'm perfect too. I just wish you knew how even more perfect we would be together IF ONLY we got through this rough patch...

Licorice is bringing me to a nice casual-elegant restaurant. See what kind of competition that Blue Fox has? But yet, somehow he wins me over with Asian mandarin salads for lunch and makes me some weird sausage-egg-jelly/jam sandwich with soggy-ish bread.

I just wish he knew...

STILL WONDERING WHAT TO WEAR,
Otter

.................. F*ck.

Seven hours ago, it was 5am. I just fell asleep for less than three hours...

Then my phone rings...

I pick it up and see that it's Blue Fox.

WHAT THE F*CK? BLUE FOX? (picks up)

(at this point I'm excited that he called because that gave me hope...)

"Hello?", I said.

(rustling sounds, male friend talking, Blue Fox replying)

"Hello?", I said again.

(rustling sounds, male friend talking, Blue Fox replying)

… My heart is racing, I’m nervous and I stay on the phone for two minutes, listening to him giggle at what his friend said while they’re walking and I realized that his phone is in his pocket again and it called me. This happened three or more times before and we were still talking to each other so I know that he wasn’t trying to be mean but… Sigh. It made me even more depressed that his phone called me and not him… I was hoping it was him.

I hung up the phone, retreated deeper into my bed, buried myself in my pillow fortress and tried crying myself to sleep but I just ended up… Crying.

I just really wanted it to be him, not his fucking pocket… And I keep crying about it because I was excited at 5am, thinking there was fucking hope. Crying at night and crying in the morning fucking hurts because the only person I want to talk to isn’t around; I can’t call, I can’t text, I can’t IM, I can’t do shit and it hurts… But why do I still have to strength to wait? I feel like I’m slowly losing hope but why do I still have hope?

I’m scared he’ll never call me again and I’m scared he won’t forgive me…

When I got the call, I picked up happy with my heart thumping through my chest and I was happy to hear his voice but I hung up, crying… Knowing that he didn’t know he called me and that I was staying on the line feeling happy. I hung up because he wasn’t aware…

Sigh, and here I go again… ㅠㅠ

Waiting, Missing, Understanding.

Half of me feels hallow and sad and the other half of me still has hope and strength to wait.

I understand that he’s busy; school, ROTC, work, friends. And I understand why he withdrew from me because of my rare moments of neediness.

I know that he was going through a situation that was tough for him… Juggling me, over school, work, ROTC, sleep and everything else in between, I admit that it could have been too much for him. Thus, why he withdrew…

Not-Much-Of-An-Update.

"But I can't read you mind
Not this time...
I just wanna know what you're going through
I don't feel wrong about asking you
But I can't read your mind
Not this time...

There are times when you don't wanna say
That there are problems in your head that you can't explain... I have been that way.
Baby there's a hunger, a kiss or two
But not forever do
If only I'd reach you..."

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I know that I haven't been updating as much as I use to... I'm sorry. I just wish I could squeeze my thoughts onto here like a sponge but I feel like the thoughts in my head are spewing out faster than my fingers can type and it can't keep up. There's a lot on my mind and I can't seem to type it all because I end up losing motivation to do so. Sigh.

However, don't fret... I'll get to it. Actually, I think I'll be able to have the motivation later in the morning (it's currently 2:53AM) so I'll sleep - hopefully I don't cry tonight - and in the morning, I'll do a little updating.

Thank you, Turtle for making me cry with the "One and Only" song. Sigh.

I had a feeling that Hottie liked you but that's good that he didn't start anything with you since he's really busy and stuff. I'm glad but at the same time, I know how much you would want to start something with him already... But don't worry, there will be a chance for you and Hottie to get together and make some cute artistic babies. I can't wait!

Sincerely,
Otter

One and Only

This song is for me and Otter.

OTTER! I nearly cried when I listened to this.

Thanks to Spam who recommended this.

Awkward Turtle

Hottie Oh Hottie

Last Friday, it was our friend Cupcake's birthday, so drinks were on her. 

 Everyone was there, including Spam, JB, Spencer and Panda.

 Hottie was suppose to be there but the theater group had rehearsals- and with him being stage manager, he couldn't afford to skip it. Siiigh. Then again it would be reeeeally weird if both of my crushes would be there. I wouldn't know which one I wanna sit beside with.

 When I heard Panda was coming, I turned to his cousin who was seated beside me and I said, "MOVE!"

***********************************************

 During the drinking session, there was one point that Hottie's best friend, Van, was seated beside me. And I was like, "so, how's your friend?"

"You mean Hottie? He told me he likes boys now." Van laughs. Of course they were just kidding around. Then Van told me that there's this girl who is also crushing on Hottie and has been pulling off a couple of moves on him but Hottie doesn't like her.

"Coz the only moves he likes are mine!" I said. I think I've had a couple too much shots already. LOL. Anyway, I told Van that I'm hopeless because Hottie likes someone else.  And he was like, "oh no, he's not crushing on her anymore coz he saw something in her he didn't really like." I didn't ask for details as I took a swig of Red Horse. Then Van added, "The thing is, Hottie likes you too, but he doesn't want to enter into a relationship right now because he's really busy this term."

 I just nodded, thinking how he's maintaining his scholarship for the rest of his college days by taking up his responsibilities at the Cultural affairs department. Sucks vacuums.

I need a drink.

********************************************

 The day after, I was texting Hottie and I told him "I heard you were gaaaaaaay!"

 So of course now he's out to kill Van. 

********************************************

Two days ago, Spam was on her way to the train station just in front of the school when she saw Hottie at the bookstore. She went to him and teased him, "I hears that you like Turtle!" 

Hottie was like, "what?? WHO told you?? It was Van, wasn't it?? That guy talks too much, I swear! He's such a blabber...."

Gushing so much it hurts,

Awkward Turtle