Blank. Totally blank.

Bullshit, I swear.

WTF Blue Fox Part. II

 I'm going to go on a rant right now, you don't have to read it but... I just had to...

WTF Blue Fox, Just Stop It!

You tell me the only time to see you is today and I have to be at Fullerton, CA  by 7PM? For what? A FUCKING EVENT? I don't want to go to one of your company's seminars! I want to see YOU! How hard is that? Yes, I don't have a car. No, I'm not going to spend $200 on taxi. I'll take a train but you have to meet me half way!

Blue Fox: Today is the only day for the event.
Otter: What are you doing for the other days you're going to be here?
Blue Fox: I'll tell you when you come here tonight.
Otter: Poo. Just tell me.
Blue Fox: You have to earn it. Depending, you might see me all week but that all depends how much effort you put into coming today.

It bugs the shit out of me every time you do this! Why do I have to do all the proving? Why?! Am I or have I made it so fucking hard to make you see that I love you?! I moved out of Seattle for you. Yeah, I wanted to live in Maryland and you were a big push but look at what happened! I was even willing to move back for you during the spring! But look what happened.

Why do I have to the proving?! Isn't it already obvious that I want to be with you? Isn't it already obvious that I love you?! Isn't it already obvious that I'm willing to do everything I can for you?! WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO FUCKING DO TO MAKE YOU REALIZE THIS?!

Why can't you just tell me that you love me? Why can't you just be sweet like before? Why can't you just tell me that you miss me?! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THE SHIT I ALREADY KNOW?! Why make me go through all of this?!

... ,
Otter

Otter Is Heartbroken

Won Bin (one of my favorite actors) is getting married on April 31st, 2012! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP! HOLY FIGGING CHEESUS! I know that he's already in his early 30's but still!

WE WERE SUPPOSE TO GET MARRIED!

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh!

I'm going to stuff myself with this large tub of ice cream as my heart screams in agony that I lost another perfect man in my life! S-freaking-IGH!

Heartbroken,
Otter

A Dollar-Worth of Thoughts And Two Dozen Powdered Donettes.

For the last two weeks, it has been really hard for me lately. I'm trying to figure out how to make things work in my life, I'm now talking to Ryan again and of course, I can't stop thinking about Blue Fox.

Two days ago, I was probably at my craziest.

.................. F*ck.

Seven hours ago, it was 5am. I just fell asleep for less than three hours...

Then my phone rings...

I pick it up and see that it's Blue Fox.

WHAT THE F*CK? BLUE FOX? (picks up)

(at this point I'm excited that he called because that gave me hope...)

"Hello?", I said.

(rustling sounds, male friend talking, Blue Fox replying)

"Hello?", I said again.

(rustling sounds, male friend talking, Blue Fox replying)

… My heart is racing, I’m nervous and I stay on the phone for two minutes, listening to him giggle at what his friend said while they’re walking and I realized that his phone is in his pocket again and it called me. This happened three or more times before and we were still talking to each other so I know that he wasn’t trying to be mean but… Sigh. It made me even more depressed that his phone called me and not him… I was hoping it was him.

I hung up the phone, retreated deeper into my bed, buried myself in my pillow fortress and tried crying myself to sleep but I just ended up… Crying.

I just really wanted it to be him, not his fucking pocket… And I keep crying about it because I was excited at 5am, thinking there was fucking hope. Crying at night and crying in the morning fucking hurts because the only person I want to talk to isn’t around; I can’t call, I can’t text, I can’t IM, I can’t do shit and it hurts… But why do I still have to strength to wait? I feel like I’m slowly losing hope but why do I still have hope?

I’m scared he’ll never call me again and I’m scared he won’t forgive me…

When I got the call, I picked up happy with my heart thumping through my chest and I was happy to hear his voice but I hung up, crying… Knowing that he didn’t know he called me and that I was staying on the line feeling happy. I hung up because he wasn’t aware…

Sigh, and here I go again… ㅠㅠ

Waiting, Missing, Understanding.

Half of me feels hallow and sad and the other half of me still has hope and strength to wait.

I understand that he’s busy; school, ROTC, work, friends. And I understand why he withdrew from me because of my rare moments of neediness.

I know that he was going through a situation that was tough for him… Juggling me, over school, work, ROTC, sleep and everything else in between, I admit that it could have been too much for him. Thus, why he withdrew…

It can't be. It's impossible.

I don't feel like talking right now but...

Seeking comfort from others do help, but of course, the only person that I seek to comfort me is Blue Fox. Yes, I still love him. Yes, it's been two weeks and three days since we spoke. Yeah, I texted him last Sunday saying "Hey I know you're busy but I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you. I hope to hear from you soon" but of course, no reply. Yes, he had a Ranger Challenge at Fort Pickett from Oct. 2nd~23rd. Yeah, I saw pictures and it made me miss him seeing him in his camo uniform, and I might not be sure if he still has midterms but the last time I checked his grades (yes I check his grades), it was a 3.2 GPA and when I checked last Sunday, it's now a 2.7 GPA, I guess some midterm grades were locked in. He has work, school, studying, ROTC and ROTC classes all on his plate... I can understand where the pressure is coming from and me, on top of it, just... Blew it off.

Please... Talk To Me.

“A, please call me. Sigh. I need to talk to you…”
”Are you done with church? I won’t be going today. So, call me. Haha.”
”:( are you busy?”
”A, is there something wrong?”
”What’s going on? :(”
”What’s the matter? :(”

Called twice; one rejected, one no answer… Nothing.

”Are you too busy to talk to me?”
”Don’t be like this. What’s wrong? I’m being positive but why are you being like this? Tell me what’s wrong because apparently something’s up and the way you’re acting is really upsetting me.”

I called twice because he should be free right now (6PM EST) but he just let it ring to voicemail…

(Update this as it goes...)

What Is The Matter?!

At about 2PM (5PM his time) I ask about work, he tells me that he's about to perform at his Korean drum thing. I text him back saying, "Yay! Have fun!"

I call to leave a voicemail, telling him to call me.

8PM (11PM his time), NOTHING. No text or call in between 2PM~8PM. So I call him, he lets my call ring until it automatically leads me to voicemail. I wait five minutes to call again, HE REJECTS MY CALL AND PUTS ME STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL!

WHAT THE F*CK!

I just want to talk to him about this problem, I want to tell him that I miss him, want to hold his hand and hear about his day. What's wrong with that? Is that too much to ask for?!

God. I'm done for the day. I'm going to build a pillow fortress, bury myself in the covers and cry myself to sleep tonight while I listen to our theme song... I didn't eat all day because of him, but I ran for him, and worked out hoping he would call. Thanks. I'm done for today... I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Sad and Lonely Otter.

I really miss Blue Fox.

He talks to other people on Facebook but he doesn't text me or call me back. Dude, this is really making me sad. I want to hear his voice again but why is he being so busy but can't even text me back~ :(

kjfklsjdlfjsljfdsjfd;skjfds;lfjds

Sad,
Otter

Finally, updates!

I don't even know where to begin...

Hours before I left Maryland, Blue Fox was arguing with his roommate on how I would get to the airport, but his roommate was saying that if he does drop me off, I have to pay $50! Which I don't have enough if I'm going to be traveling on my own. Since that wasn't going to happen, he basically told me to take the damn bus! I had to wake up at 5am just for this. Blue Fox can't drop me off at the airport because at 5am, he has to get ready for ROTC. And yes, he can't get off that because since he slacked so much last semester, he almost got kicked out and he really wants this so he's trying to show commitment. I was sad that I had to leave. So, we both woke up together and before I was going to leave, he hugged me. A really long hug and I told him, "Don't worry, I'm coming back~" and he said, "Mhm, just fix all the things you need to first..." and he also told me to text and call often. Sigh.

The night before I left, as well, I asked him to tell me how he feels because apparently, he's not telling me and he didn't want to express it because he feels weak but I got it out of him.

I Can't Stay, Apparently.

Here's the hard part that I didn't want to talk about now...

Remember when I said that I had a feeling that I was making things awkward in the house? Well, I'm correct. The reason why all the boys in the house were in the other room for such a long time was because they were talking to Aaron about how much longer I'm going to have to stay because they thought I was only here for the weekend. He didn't tell his roommates that I was staying for a while, thinking that it's going to be okay because one roommate tends to have his girlfriend over from time to time as well so he planned it on his own without telling his roommates ahead of time: His mistake.

He didn't talk to me about it until last night when I came home at about 5pm, after getting maps and bus routes to find a job slightly outside Towson University. I come home, find the roommates and friends in the living room playing video games. I walk into the bedroom to change and he goes, "We need to talk." and I'm like, "Sure" thinking that I already know what's going to happen or what we're going to talk about and he goes, "You can't stay here anymore..." and we talked about it and he told me that his roommates are staying to feel uncomfortable that I'm here for so long and that I'm being of a slight distraction with him and his school work and Army ROTC. Since I'm around, he only wants to be with me and whatnot but he has to sleep and do so many other things, so he isn't doing as good in training in the morning and has to work extra hard and he missed a quiz in his psychology class and he has a ton of work to do.

Fffffffffffffffffffffff II

I'm stressed from all these people talking to me about money and what I need to do and as much as I'd to drop it, I still consider people but now that I express my thoughts to Blue Fox... Sigh.

He says, "Buy a ticket by 12am, your time. If not, we're not talking ever again. I'll delete your number. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you not being here and I'm tired of you worrying about other people's problems that they put on you, it's not your problem. Your problems are my problems, too so if you're worrying about other people's useless problems and them nagging you, it effects me too because I can't comfort you. You need to be here, with me, you can worry here and we can fix this together. Two heads are better than one, am I right? And you'll have me help you but you need to be here. I don't think you still understand this though because you're still thinking of others when you should think for yourself. I don't think you still get it... You're not thinking of what YOU want, what YOU need and your priorities. I don't think you see it. And I feel like I'm not that important to you anyways. I'm not going to give you any more time and crying isn't going to get you anywhere. If you don't buy a ticket by 12am, I'm gone. I'll delete your number and we're never talking again, it'll be a 'goodbye'. I'm done. Goodnight. (hangs up)"

F*cked,
Otter