Goodbye, My Baby Selena :(

So about a month ago, Joe has been having a hard time with Selena because well, it's not his dog, it's his three other roommates but (not) surprisingly, they're NOT feeding her. Three weeks ago, NONE of them fed her for four days (insert me cursing like a mother bear) and a week before that, the apartment manager saw they had a dog and it's not allowed on the apartment grounds but they still wanted to keep her but of course, no one's taking care of her. Joe has work AND school and the three other guys are going to start football season so they are going to be gone ALL day so who's going to take care of her? It'll be really hard and it broke my heart that she hasn't eaten in four days. Yeah, yeah, people keep telling me "she's just a dog" ... STOP RIGHT THERE, that's where I draw the line and punch you in the face. She may be "just a dog" but she's an innocent dog that did NO harm to anyone, doesn't bark and is trained. The only thing that I hate about Selena living in that tiny shitty apartment is that they beat her A LOT because she chews stuff up and whatnot. UM, NEWSFLASH. SHE'S ONLY THREE TO FOUR MONTHS OLD (judging by her teeth since she still has her baby teeth) OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO CHEW STUFF. SHE'S TEETHING. -_- Also, you'd have to be stupid to let your stuff lie on the floor like your headphones, anything with wires, anything that looks interesting... Everything looks interesting to a puppy. So you have to puppy proof your home just like how you'd baby proof your home for toddlers.

But we ended up going to the store and buying her food (since I almost did it myself since those guys wouldn't do it for her) and even though she's not my responsibility, I cannot stand a starving dog. I JUST CAN'T. That's one thing Joe was "afraid" of is that I'd spoil her. IT'S NOT SPOILING. It's called "giving her attention" and playing with her. She listened to me, she followed me and she understood what I wanted her to do. I played with her, I napped several times with her and I just gave her SO much love which she NEEDED. She needs guidance because she's just a puppy! But Joe was serious about giving her away... Since they can't have her because it's against the apartment rules and they were already given a three-day notice. The three day notice was either the dog leaves or everyone moves out.

Three weeks ago (I think), Joe saw his usual customers that come by his work (a gas station) and they happened to own a animal shelter (more like an animal ranch for rescues) and they were interested and saw pictures and actually got to see her so a few days after they were notified about Selena and met her, they decided to take her in.

A week after that, she got adopted by the Riverside Police Station! Soooooo she's going to be a guard dog and a rescue dog! I'm bittersweet about it because I was excited to go to Joe's house now because of her but with her gone, I'm sad but I'm happy that she's being adopted by the police station and is being trained and loved by so many people and is going to do some serious work for the good. So I'm happy for her but I do miss her a lot. :(

;skdjf;ksdjf;ldjklfweiruekljfsd...

Blue Fox: I just got your message just now.
Me: Oh? Now? What message?
Blue Fox: About what I did.
Me: Oh. Yeah. You didn't tell me what you did. Lol.
Blue Fox: I met up with old friends.
Me: Are they from high school?
Blue Fox: Yup
Me: Are they the ones you played poker with?
Blue Fox: Nope
Me: Still sounds like fun~
Blue Fox: How
Me: Just seeing friends you haven't seen in a long time is fun. Especially when you haven't seen them in years.
Blue Fox: It's only been two months.
Me: Still.

After he stopped talking to me, he called me on his work phone. And it was the phone number that wasn't registered on my phone but had the same area code as Blue Fox. And I called once, but it just rang. But he called me and spoke to me... He said that he has a "proposition" for me. He said that I have to at least check this out. He was like, "Just check it out, I think you'll like it. No. I know you'll love it." and then he told me about how he spoke to a girl who was going to join the Air Force and them ditched that to join this company he's with and went all out with it. And he told me that I need to get a ride and check it out.

What shocked me was when he said this: "I'm coming to Los Angeles in May. So I'll come out to see you."

Coincidence, Sign or Magic?

Since I'm talking to Blue Fox a little more, I'm thinking about him more. Sometimes, I won't even text him because I want to see if he'll text me first. Every time I text him, it's because I miss him (well, I miss him every second) but I just want to see if he'll be the first to text me. It may be a little weird that I think about him all the time, no matter how busy I am... I think about him when I eat, when I shower, when I laze around, when I go to church... Probably when I just do anything.

Yesterday, I had a dream about him and it was a dream that was showing my reasons why I should stay with him and the feelings that I have for him. And I don't know what that means. So I woke up from that and now I have to walk the dogs... So I take them out, think about my dream and when I'm on the last dog, I start thinking about the time Blue Fox and I spoke about the car that I was wanting. I wanted a small, two-door car that had to be teal. And I remember he told me that I had bad taste for cars (whatever!) but he liked the idea that I got a small car and he said, "Good. Because you're not driving anyone else but me and you." and I said, "Well, yeah. But I want the whole back side to be dedicated to Soonja" (Blue Fox's pitbull) I think if you refer to my "It's you, me and Soonja" post. You'll understand a little bit.

But as I was thinking about this and missing Blue Fox a whole bunch, I turn my head to the left and what do I see? A small, two-door teal-colored car! PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO MY APARTMENT COMPLEX.

Honestly, these kinds of colored cars are RARE (and I think it's rare around the world) and the fact that it's the same way I thought about the car in my head... Is out there. Parked. Right next to my apartment. And the fact that it's an Audi (one of my favorite car brands) just made it a whole lot better.

Coincidence? It's too much for a coincidence.
Magic? I guess but I don't see a magician.
A Sign? ... You tell me.

Missing Blue Fox more now,
Otter

Blue Fox, What's In Your Head?

(While I was helping out with the Relief Society preparations)
Otter: How are you? Any plans for today? :)
Blue Fox: Yes. Hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings. And yes how did the interviews go?
Otter: I want buffalo wings!!! :( It wasn't an interview. I didn't do it. I decided that it wasn't logical to learn how to drive a forklift and be licensed for it when the job isn't guaranteed. Plus, I'm not going to be here for very long so it's okay.
Blue Fox: What do you mean long?
Otter: I'm leaving for military training on June 19th.
Blue Fox: How is your mom doing?
Otter: She's doing fine. Still kind of struggling but she's doing fine.
(Stopped replying; hours later...)
Otter: Well, I'm going to go sleep now. You're probably really tired and passed out. It's almost 1am your time. Text/call me tomorrow. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight. :)

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!

Sigh,
Otter

Random Blue Fox.

Text Messaging: 03/09/12; 11:18pm

Blue Fox: You awake?
Otter: Yup. But I'm about to take a shower. Why are you awake?
Blue Fox: I had a meeting. Now I gotta sleep.
Otter: Really? How was the meeting?
Blue Fox: It was awesome.
Otter: What did you guys discuss about?
Blue Fox: I'll tell you tomorrow
Otter: Mmk. Well, I'm going to take a shower now. You should sleep, you probably had a long day today. Goodnight.
Blue Fox: Gnite

... Out of the blue but it made me happier. I miss this.

Sigh,
Otter

PS: He didn't tell me the next day. Lol.

Otter + Blue Fox = ________.

"Maybe... You need to revert down to friend status. Like best friend status, you know? So he doesn't have to have the pressure of always having to make you happy. I think that's what he's struggling with as well. He wants to show you his affections but he's unable to because he has so much things to do. But maybe, a best friend status is just what you need. Keep it super close, but still have your own space. you'll still be able to tell each other everything and I reckon in the long term, it may be more beneficial." — Tammy

“He’s just at a confusing point. Maybe you should give it a little bit of time. He’s just fighting you off now but in his heart, he knows you’ll always wait for him. So there’s this kind of comfort for him to just do that to you. You know what I mean? Like, he can just say “I can’t do this” when he REALLY does want to be with you and even by saying that, he knows you’ll never just take it and be like, “Okay, let’s stop then”. You’ll say, “let’s try” I think it’s that comfort he has… I think he’s kind of like me. Like, I only really miss that person when I physically see them. When I don’t, I don’t really miss them too much and even though he misses you, he’s also busy so there’s this comfort there that, ‘Reanne ain’t going anywhere even though I’m ignoring her for now.’“  — Tammy

“Just doesn’t know how to do long distance. It bothers me that you get treated the way you do. If I was him, you would be with me. I’d find a way to get housing for us. I would appreciate how patient and understanding you are… I would be open to you with my doubts and worries.“ — Bubu

Otter Misses Her Blue Fox.

December 19: Blue Fox finally called me.

With Emily's help, though. Actually, I told Emily what to say but we used her account.

It Rings In My Ears All The Time.

Kitty: You and Blue Fox. I knew it. I so knew it~ I knew you two would be perfect with each other, I just knew it. It was just in a matter of time... I deserve a pat on the back~ Mmm, Mrs. Blue Fox. That has a really nice ring to it, don't you think?

Sometimes, when you leave for your classes and all the roommates are gone, I slip into your Army ACU's and think about all the things that you wanted us to do in our lives, thinking about all the things you said about us having babies, how much you love and care for me, how you love that I'm now in your life, you being there for me 'always and forever' and how you'll always be by my side. I remember all the promises that I've made and you know that I'd always keep it. You know that I'll always be here for you no matter what...

People had really high hopes and knew that we were perfect for each other... Well, Blue Fox and I already knew that but it was nice to know that people thought so too.

As much as I have Licorice around, I still want Blue Fox. Licorice and I talk almost every day, especially before we sleep but before I fall asleep, I'm thinking about Blue Fox. I wake up to the thought of him and I sleep with the thought of him... As sad as some people say it is, I'm still waiting. I know a lot of people don't want me to and want me to move on even with doubts, I'm still waiting. I'm keeping myself busy by finding a job, being around Emily and Astro and having company such as Licorice but in my heart, I'm still waiting.

"Don't call or text until I do..." is the only thing that's keeping me going. Unless he's a complete fob, he won't know what this means but since he's obviously not, it'll happen... Eventually. Sigh, I don't know.

Emily: I really do have a lot of faith in you and Blue Fox, I really do!

Sigh. I'm still waiting...

The Date Aftermath.

So my date with Licorice was pretty good, I actually had a great time.
The end.

Waiting, Missing, Understanding.

Half of me feels hallow and sad and the other half of me still has hope and strength to wait.

I understand that he’s busy; school, ROTC, work, friends. And I understand why he withdrew from me because of my rare moments of neediness.

I know that he was going through a situation that was tough for him… Juggling me, over school, work, ROTC, sleep and everything else in between, I admit that it could have been too much for him. Thus, why he withdrew…

It can't be. It's impossible.

I don't feel like talking right now but...

Seeking comfort from others do help, but of course, the only person that I seek to comfort me is Blue Fox. Yes, I still love him. Yes, it's been two weeks and three days since we spoke. Yeah, I texted him last Sunday saying "Hey I know you're busy but I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you. I hope to hear from you soon" but of course, no reply. Yes, he had a Ranger Challenge at Fort Pickett from Oct. 2nd~23rd. Yeah, I saw pictures and it made me miss him seeing him in his camo uniform, and I might not be sure if he still has midterms but the last time I checked his grades (yes I check his grades), it was a 3.2 GPA and when I checked last Sunday, it's now a 2.7 GPA, I guess some midterm grades were locked in. He has work, school, studying, ROTC and ROTC classes all on his plate... I can understand where the pressure is coming from and me, on top of it, just... Blew it off.

A Week of Waiting.

"At some point, some time, you'll need
someone there for you and I will be the one.
So whenever you need, don't be afraid, 

call on me, and I will get to you.
All you want, you need my time.
I wanna give because you're a special apart me.
See, I know you need many things to feel complete
that's why you should never hesitate.
No matter what you think,
I'm gonna always do things for you.

I will take care of you. My word is all you need. 

And you'll see that I, I'll never let you down."

I didn't think it was going to be this hard not to text him or call him. And I haven't heard anything from him... It makes me wonder if he misses me at all. But I know he does, he always does.

Sometimes, I see him online wondering why he's not sleeping. Sometimes, I feel like he's wanting me to say something first. I don't know, I can't assume. But he tends to do this like, he'll do something and if I comply, he'll wonder why I didn't call. Like, when he called me and made the conversation short, I complied and then he was like, "Aren't you going to call back?" or something like that. Again, I can't assume.

But oh, do I miss him. I miss him so much... It's almost like a physical pain I feel in my chest. I just want to talk to him, hear him, and just giggle again.

I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to make the time pass... If I get nothing at two weeks, I'm going to say something... Positive.

Ohmygod, I'm getting sad all of a sudden now...

I miss him so much. :'(

Sigh, Blue Fox. Come back...

I feel like when I do say something, I have to apologize for being such a burden to him. I didn't realize he was studying and going to class for midterms which was happening last week. Yes, he could of texted me about it but knowing how he works when he's busy, I won't fight it. I should have... Thought about it. I am sorry. Sigh.

Wait... Wait... Wait... T_____T

;skldjsklfsdsfj,
Otter

Day-4 of Waiting.

Ever since I was four years old, I've listened to Immature/IMx and this song is one of my favorites when they came back, all grown up and fine. This is the song that I've been listening to all day, thinking of Blue Fox. I miss him so much right now...

It's day-4 and I feel like... Siiiiiigh.

"Some days I wish I was your pillow
And I know exactly how you feel
Every night you cry it rained on me
(on your mind is where I want to be)"

I don't want to let you go, I can't let you go, I don't want to lose you. I just wanted to know how you were feeling because, like the song, I just want to be your pillow. (even though I know in real life, you don't use a pillow) but I want to be that person who makes you feel rested, someone who comforts you, someone who wants to know how your day went, someone who can ease your mind after a long day and I want to be your pillow especially on the days where you feel like crying or when you're frustrated, stressed, tired, upset or sad.

That's the kind of girlfriend/gumiho that I am for you...

Please understand that.

Day-2 of Waiting.

OMG, WHO KNEW THIS WOULD BE SO HARD?

I was so confident that I could do this because I know that we could work this out... But just waiting for him to text me is so hard, I just miss him, you know? If only voicemails didn't expire after 14 days, I would be calling my voicemail and listening to all his cute voicemails that I saved... Sigh.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. I need to sign some papers, study for the DMV's drivers test, helping the in-laws with their collage thing for their reunion and having my mind glued to some action dramas. I still think of Blue Fox even through all of this but I'm not hibernating in the bed, covered in pillows and blankets, messed up hair and crying myself to sleep. Although, if I don't keep going, I'll do just that.

Turtle, I have a question... What do you think of the situation? I know that you had high hopes for Blue Fox and I. So do I. What do you think?

Because for me, it's obvious. I want to work this out, I still want to be with him even though we have separate goals in life, I know we can do this. I know he has a stronger will than that, and I know I have a stronger will and patience. And I just love him that much. At the end of the day, I'm an adult and I know what I want... And I still want Blue Fox into my life.

Trying to stay positive,
Otter

I'm Forever Yours, Let Me Help You.

"Just know in my arms, you're embraced by love." ♡

Finally, the boyfriend called me. Final-effing-ly~ It may not be what I wanted but it's something, at least. But I'm going to be strong and patient.

Please... Talk To Me.

“A, please call me. Sigh. I need to talk to you…”
”Are you done with church? I won’t be going today. So, call me. Haha.”
”:( are you busy?”
”A, is there something wrong?”
”What’s going on? :(”
”What’s the matter? :(”

Called twice; one rejected, one no answer… Nothing.

”Are you too busy to talk to me?”
”Don’t be like this. What’s wrong? I’m being positive but why are you being like this? Tell me what’s wrong because apparently something’s up and the way you’re acting is really upsetting me.”

I called twice because he should be free right now (6PM EST) but he just let it ring to voicemail…

(Update this as it goes...)

FINAL-BLEEPIN-LY!

I texted him at 3:08AM my time, "(hugs) Do your best today! ^^ and I better hear from you~ Lol"

Almost two hours later, possibly when he comes out of ROTC... He textes me, "I was tired."

Otter: I know~ :T
Blue Fox: Don't give me those sad faces :P
Otter: I can't help it. (tries to hold in another sad face) you're just so busy that you can't even text me back or answer my calls for a bit...
Blue Fox: Stop being spoiled and be positive
Otter: Lol, ohmygod I'm not spoiled! XD I'm trying to be positive but it almost felt like you were trying to ignore me~ T_T
Blue Fox: I'm busy darling. You should know that. But if you are gonna think that way then I might as well ignore.
Otter: Noooooo! I'm just sayin'~ I just missed you and I wanted to hear you say that you missed me too. That's all. :P
Blue Fox: Did you run everyday?
Otter: Yes. Except the day before yesterday because there was a rain storm.
Blue Fox: How many minutes?
Otter: 20. -___-+
Blue Fox: I don't miss you at all then.
Otter: What?! Whyyyyyy?! Was that suppose to be negative motivation?!

His last text was almost five hours ago. Uhg. I know he's just doing this to motivate me but seriously...

He always says that he gives me negative motivation because he knows good motivation doesn't drive me to do better... He gives it to me when I do good but he gives me these negative  motivations... Sigh.

At least I got something. But now, he's busy again because he's most likely at work right now so... I hope he calls me later tonight. I HOPE.

Feeling A Little Better,
Otter

I Miss You Terribly.

Sigh. This loneliness is seriously eating me inside...

I miss Blue Fox like crazy but I know he's super busy, tired and all of that. I just want to hear his voice again and have conversations like we use to but I know he'd be too tired for that.

I feel so lonely that I could cry... I just want to dig a hole in the bed, cover it with blankets, build a pillow fortress and just stay inside and just hibernate and not think of anything else.

I have nothing to distract me or keep me busy thus the reason why I want to keep on talking to Blue Fox but I don't want to seem like a bother. :(

I really don't know what to do...

Work out? Sigh.

Depressed,
Otter

LOL, I miss you. SAD.

Me: (hugs Blue Fox)
Blue Fox: You are so spoiled! (laughs)
Me: What? You're mine, I can hug you all I want...
Blue Fox: Nope. Not unless you don't get your running shoes by tomorrow...
Me: What? That's unfair!
Blue Fox: Mwahahahaha...

I love you,
Otter

PS: I got it by the due date so, yeah. He and his heart is mine.

Finally, updates!

I don't even know where to begin...

Hours before I left Maryland, Blue Fox was arguing with his roommate on how I would get to the airport, but his roommate was saying that if he does drop me off, I have to pay $50! Which I don't have enough if I'm going to be traveling on my own. Since that wasn't going to happen, he basically told me to take the damn bus! I had to wake up at 5am just for this. Blue Fox can't drop me off at the airport because at 5am, he has to get ready for ROTC. And yes, he can't get off that because since he slacked so much last semester, he almost got kicked out and he really wants this so he's trying to show commitment. I was sad that I had to leave. So, we both woke up together and before I was going to leave, he hugged me. A really long hug and I told him, "Don't worry, I'm coming back~" and he said, "Mhm, just fix all the things you need to first..." and he also told me to text and call often. Sigh.

The night before I left, as well, I asked him to tell me how he feels because apparently, he's not telling me and he didn't want to express it because he feels weak but I got it out of him.