It can't be. It's impossible.

I don't feel like talking right now but...

Seeking comfort from others do help, but of course, the only person that I seek to comfort me is Blue Fox. Yes, I still love him. Yes, it's been two weeks and three days since we spoke. Yeah, I texted him last Sunday saying "Hey I know you're busy but I just wanted to say hi and that I miss you. I hope to hear from you soon" but of course, no reply. Yes, he had a Ranger Challenge at Fort Pickett from Oct. 2nd~23rd. Yeah, I saw pictures and it made me miss him seeing him in his camo uniform, and I might not be sure if he still has midterms but the last time I checked his grades (yes I check his grades), it was a 3.2 GPA and when I checked last Sunday, it's now a 2.7 GPA, I guess some midterm grades were locked in. He has work, school, studying, ROTC and ROTC classes all on his plate... I can understand where the pressure is coming from and me, on top of it, just... Blew it off.



My very, very, very rare moments of neediness blew it off. I'm never needy but that week was just too much for me and I just wanted him to be there but I knew that he was just too busy and I knew that I should have understood that... I know. Sigh. And I am very sorry about that...

People tell me that he just needs time because he has a lot on his plate but believe that he still wants to be with me, some other people say that he was pretty much breaking up with me. (painful as f*ck) But deep down, for some reason, I feel like he still wants to be with me. I know that I can wait for him, I know that he can wait for me... I just want to know if he forgives me and doesn't hate me. I want us to work out, I know we can... If he forgives me and tells me that he's just busy and that we can "pick up" later, I'll do it. I'll keep myself hella busy and whatever... I know that he told me that he was going to be very busy in the beginning before we started all of this but... Sigh.

I know it seems like I'm making excuses for myself, for him and I'm in denial. But I really believe that we can make it work. If I have to drop everything and go there again, I will. He knows I will... I did it before, I'll do it again. And sure, it sounds like I'm "wrapped around his finger" but... I love him. I'm more expressive and he's not but I know he loves me too. Just because he doesn't love me the way I want him to doesn't mean that he doesn't love me with what he's got...

And I know that it seems like I'm just ignoring what everyone's saying and yeah, I kind of am but... I... Just... Believe otherwise. :(

I can't let this go. I know it's stupid but I can't... And even if I find someone else, I know that I'll be secretly waiting for him and I'm aware that'll be unfair to others but that's just me. Yeah, I'm saying that now because of my situation but I'm certain that's how it'll be. Because I want Aaron. I want us.

I know that he loves me, misses me, cares and still want me... He's just under stress. My best friend said that he's probably upset too because it's the first time he had to let go of someone he loved so much in a week and that I can't be there like we planned. "You were there and now you're gone. I'm sure he's hurting too." True.

I want to talk to him, but I don't want to ruin anything else. I have bad timing with things like this... I don't want to say something at the wrong time and ruin everything. I don't want him to flee any further than he is right now... My Korean friend was the one that told me that I have to wait a little longer because he has a lot going on. Yeah, sure~ His grades dropped quite a bit and it upset me, actually. I just want to be there to help, to motivate and to be that encouragement he wanted me to be... But I feel like at the same time, I'm hurting him too.

He fell in love with me once... I know he can fall in love with me again. I know that I found the right love at the wrong time... But I'm willing to start over.

Zoned out,
Otter