Finally, the boyfriend called me. Final-effing-ly~ It may not be what I wanted but it's something, at least. But I'm going to be strong and patient.
Otter: Hello?
Blue Fox: Hey.
Otter: How are you?
Blue Fox: Okay.
Otter: Okay?
Blue Fox: I just got out of the hospital...
Otter: What happened?!
Blue Fox: My friend... Got into a car accident.
Otter: Ohmygod... When?
Blue Fox: Today.
Otter: Oh nooo...
Blue Fox: Tell me what you wanted to talk about. And I didn't like your text messages today... They were negative.
Otter: How can it not be negative by the way you were acting towards me? I just wanted to know what's wrong and why you can't just take out two minutes of your day to tell me how you are, if you're okay, what you're doing or if you miss me or whatnot.
Blue Fox: That's asking too much.
Otter: No it's not. I'm not asking you to be on the phone with me for five hours like we use to or anything like that, I just want to hear from you to know if you're okay.
Blue Fox: You know I'll always be okay.
Otter: No. I need to hear it from you, I just want to talk to you.
Blue Fox: Otter, I'm very busy.
Otter: Yes, I understand that but it's just two minutes out of your time to talk to me and reassure me on things, you know?
Blue Fox: I don't think you understand how busy I am...
Otter: I do.
Blue Fox: No, you don't.
Otter: What? Of course I do. I get it. I really do... I just want you to tell me how you are, what you're doing or call me for two minutes before you sleep or tell me that you miss me.
Blue Fox: That's asking too much.
Otter: Do you miss me?
Blue Fox: (long pause) ... No.
Otter: Are you sure? You don't miss me?
Blue Fox: (long pause) ... Nope.
Otter: You're lying. I know you do. I know you miss me. You miss me all the time. Just as much or even more than I miss you. I know you, Blue Fox.
Blue Fox: Otter... I can't do this anymore.
Otter: Do what?
Blue Fox: This.
Otter: Be specific.
Blue Fox: I just can't have you on top of school, work and ROTC.
Otter: Why not?
Blue Fox: Because you keep distracting me. I think of you and everything and I just can't concentrate or focus on anything.
Otter: I don't mean to be a distraction. It's just this past week, you were acting weird and that threw me off. How else was I suppose to act? I knew you were busy but you were just acting weird and I needed to know what was wrong... I just want to be there for you...
Blue Fox: But you can't.
Otter: What do you mean?
Blue Fox: You can't be here for me.
Otter: Emotionally, I can. Physically, not anymore but I did.
Blue Fox: That's not... You're not here.
Otter: Not anymore. I could have been. I waaaas.
Blue Fox: (silence)
Otter: I packed up everything I had in Seattle. I left everything, left everyone and took the risk to come to you. A risk, a shot, a chance... To be with you. All because you wanted me there, you needed me there and I came for you. I dropped everything for you, like I promised. You wanted me to come, I came. You wanted me to be with you, I came. You still wanted me, I'm still here. I flew all the way over there all for you... That already shows my feelings for you, how much I care, how much I trusted you... I did all that for you. So don't tell me that I can't be there for you. I did what I could and I made it happen but your room mates didn't want me around. But I am here for you; Emotionally and physically. Yes, I can't physically now but emotionally, I'm here for you always. I'm here when you need to talk to someone, I know you trust me for that... I know you can tell me how you feel, you can confide in me. You've done it many times before, you can always do that now.
Blue Fox: I... I can't do this.
Otter: We can work it out.
Blue Fox: How?
Otter: We'll figure something out, I know we can do this.
Blue Fox: (sigh)
Otter: I'm doing what I promised you in the beginning before we started all this. I'll keep you motivated, I'll keep you in check and make sure that you do what you need to do in order to do your best in everything. I made that promise and I'm keeping it...
Blue Fox: But you're distracting me.
Otter: How?
Blue Fox: I can't explain it...
Otter: Well, try...
Blue Fox: I can't, you're just... Distracting me. I can't focus because I keep thinking about you and everything else. I just can't...
Otter: I know you can. You're just stressed out...
Blue Fox: (silence)
Otter: Tell me what's on your mind...
Blue Fox: I'm already upset as it is because of my friend and this conversation is making me more upset. I'm going to hang up now.
Otter: No. Don't hang up on me, Blue Fox.
Blue Fox: (sigh) Don't text me or call me until I do...
Otter: Blue Fox~ Don't do this.
Blue Fox: (hangs up)
He's the kind of person who doesn't like to talk about his feelings, he bottles up everything and takes out the punishment on himself. I know how that is, I'm very much like that. I don't like being vulnerable, I don't like opening up my heart to people and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I bottle up everything and act happy so people don't know what I go through everyday... And when I'm upset or worked up about something, I take it out by working out until I ache physically. That's how I am and that's how my boyfriend is.
But through time, I realized that it's unhealthy not to talk about your feelings (thus why I now have a blog) and I know he doesn't have people to talk to (except his best friend), I wanted to be that one person he can trust. I know he trusts me and it's not like he's never told me some of his problems or past problems before but I want to continue to be that solid rock for him. That's how much I care...
I'm aware of how immature he can be and how he sometimes lacks the balls and courage to man up on certain issues but it's how he grew up. He bottles things inside, he doesn't talk about it and just shrugs it off and thinks that if he doesn't think about it, it'll go away or go away eventually when it never does, it'll always come back to haunt you unless you face the problem. I'm also aware that he has a lot of issues to deal with, a lot of baggage to let go of and to grow up and be a man about it. I'm very aware of all of that.
But as his girlfriend, who cares about him deeply and can relate to him more than anyone else, I'm going to stick it out and help him. I know that I have to be extremely strong and even more patient than I am now all for him and I have to also be ready to know that he can spark at any time with his negative "motivations" and his rude-half-thought-out comments. Even though it hurts me, I have to understand his situation and see it from his side. I have to prepare myself for all this if I want to help him and build up on that trust to make this work.
This may be more than just "Puppy Love" and just be a "Bassett Hound Love" (according to best friend, Damion) but I'm willing to work at it because I believe he's worth it, I believe that we can work it out and I can help him with his issues. I just have to make sure that when I help him, I don't lose my true self and be a slave to this relationship. I have to stay grounded and not forget what's ahead of me. I have to wait, be patient and be extra careful with him.
I want to be his rock, I want to be the supportive girlfriend and be that one important person in his life. I know he sees me as important, special and someone he can lean to... He said it in the beginning.
He said that I'm the only person outside his family and church family that he actually loves, considers special and the fact that we grew up the same and we are very much alike, he doesn't see anyone else but me. I'm the only person he has ever had these feelings for, I'm the first person that he has ever said "I love you", "I miss you" and things like that. Basically, I'm his first for almost everything. I'm the first girl he has ever wanted as a girlfriend. That's how special I am to him. And since I'm his first for everything, he just didn't know how to deal with his feelings and how to cope... Thus him acting this way.
I understand he's stressed and totally worked up even though he says I don't, I've gone through Hell and back more times than I want to remember but I keep getting back up because I know there's something better out there for me. Who knows, there might be a unicorn with my name on it and it's just waiting for me...
I want to be that positive light for him. I want to continue to be that platform that makes sure he's balanced, happy and strong. I know that I can do it, I know that he can trust me... I just have to be really patient. It's just, I freaked out when he started acting like this because he has never done that to me before but I was totally blind-sided and forgot that he was also unpredictable because of the issues that he has. And since he keeps saying that I have to work harder than him in terms of working out and basically keep up, the way we see things are different and unless he takes off the blinds off his eyes, he'll truly see how him and I can be on the same level. Sure, I'd like a friendly competition but if it's going to turn into a competition where we have to basically rip each other's balls out then you need to slow the heck down.
But for me to do all the things I want to do for him, I have to be strong, balanced and I have to also love myself if I want to show him what I want to show him.
He's worth it, he's just... Sometimes difficult to handle but I'm ready to fight for it. I'm ready to fight for him.
I know that there's a lot of people who dislike him, disagree with our relationship even if they don't know anything about him and some people just ignore me because they know what I'll say and I totally understand but at the end of the day, I'm an adult and I know what I want and who I want to be with.
When people (especially guys) found out that I was in a relationship, the girls were excited about it but the guys weren't too happy about it. They flooded my cellphone with text messages saying that I should break up with him because they can love me more than he can, provide more than he can and basically expressed that they are better and they would even call me to personally tell me that on the phone...
But, I'm sorry. You're all too late because I found someone who holds my orb and I'm now his gumiho. ♡
He makes me happy. All he needs is a little guidance, love and support. That's all. Other than that, once he gets all his shit together, he'll be great. He's already great as it is, he has an amazing heart and I know that he's the guy for me... He just needs to sort all his emotions first and I am willing to wait.
So right now, if he wants time to himself... I'll give him the time. Sure, waiting for him to text or call me will be horrible and extremely gruelling but I'm strong, patient and loving enough to go through it.
He's that important, special and that's how much I care.
But if he doesn't contact me within two weeks or so, I'll send him something positive.
And I have to remind myself not to lose my true self, not to forget who I am and completely lose the reasons why so many people love me. I can't change myself for him or adjust myself to his liking although I already know what I have to offer and who I am as a person is fitting for him. I don't mind adjusting certain things about myself but it cannot be drastic or that'll not be me. That's the only thing I have to do for myself and I can't lose focus on my life's path.
But for sure, I'm going to stick this out for him. I want to continue to have him in my life...
Also, another thing, since we rushed our relationship and basically rushed everything else, I have to remember to now take it slow if I want this to work out in the long run and last. I have to slow down, calm down and take baby steps. I want this to last, I want this to work out so I have to remember that this just started and I have to be really careful and patient with it.
Until then... I'll give him his space right now and I know, in time, he'll come around.
Also, my feelings for him have not changed.
Blue Fox, it's obvious to see that I'm falling more in love with you as days go by and I know your feelings and I understand your heart. I am here for you, always and forever just like how I promised. You're not going to lose me nor am I going to lose you... You have me, you have my heart, my orb and I'm forever your gumiho. You'll never lose me because I'll always stick by your side. I'll always be there for you whenever you fall and I'll always motivate you so you don't lose sight of your dreams. Always remember that I'm always behind you, rooting for you because I know how great you truly are. I love you, I care about you and I'm always here to support you.
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