Is It Bad If I Want You?

WTF AM I DOING YOU GUYS?!

I don't know if I'm digging myself an even bigger hole or what...

I honestly like DG... A LOT. I don't even know why! But I like him a lot and it makes me a little upset because I know I can't have him.

Last night, we were talking about our plans and he says that he doesn't feel like he belongs in California (neither do I) and he was telling me that he wanted to move to Utah next month and I jokingly said "Can I come with you?" and he said, "To live or visit?" and I said, "Whichever." and then we went into the conversation where I was wondering if I could move to Utah too and he was basically saying, "You can if you want to, I won't stop you." or "You can if you want to, I wouldn't mind" and sometimes, he'd say, "Do it! There's people there, I'll be there, work and school will be killer"

And then sometime today when I was at Institute, we were talking and then when I was in the car, that Justin Bieber "Boyfriend" song came on and I thought about DG, when he was singing it in the car when we were in Oceanside. And I told him, "The 'Boyfriend' from Justin Bieber is on the radio and it made me think of you" and he said, "Thanks, haha. I never really thought I was boyfriend material." and I said, "Why not?" And he just said that he wasn't sure. And then he goes and says that he's not sure if he likes to have a girlfriend? Or likes the idea of having girlfriends. Then I asked, "How come? What about having girlfriends you don't like?" and I remember when we were talking about where we stood when we were coming back home, he was saying that he just doesn't see himself dating anyone because he thinks he's a douche bag? Or isn't "boyfriend material" and stuff like that. And it kind of throws me off because he is a good guy... I just think he thinks lowly of himself. But on his Facebook page, he talks about how he wants to marry and whatever. He says "she's out there, I'm looking" and all that stuff but... Meh.

And his reply to my "what is it about having a girlfriend you don't like" and he said, "I guess I don't know really haha"

It seems like he doesn't know exactly what he wants... Sometimes, I feel like half of him wants me and half of him doesn't want us to happen because he's not really into relationships? Or maybe he doesn't want to get attached right now since we both have to leave. I don't know.

It's kind of hard and when he said he wasn't into the idea of a girlfriend or something, that stung a little.

I really want DG. But... I know I can't have him.

I just wish he'd tell me that he really, really wants me. :(

I wish I was bold enough to tell him that I want him so bad.

UGH, WTF YOU GUYS. WHAT AM I DOINGGGGGGGGG?!