WTF Blue Fox Part. II

 I'm going to go on a rant right now, you don't have to read it but... I just had to...





So, Blue Fox arrived yesterday in Los Angeles for his company thing and he said that yesterday was the day that we can hang out because he's going to be busy all week. And he said, "Today's the only day, come by 7pm" and we talked about where exactly and stuff like that. And I didn't have a ride because I don't have a car and my neighbor's not going to lend me his car and like, I couldn't take the taxi because I'd be spending $200 on that back and forth and I thought about taking the bus to the train and then the train to his hotel with his "team". We were going to go with that idea and he was saying he could give me a ride back but I could just take the train... And I wasn't sure if I was going to make it so I was like, "What about another day while you're here?" and he said he'd be busy and I asked "With what?" and he said, "I can't tell you until you come." and I said "Tell me~" and he said, "You have to earn it. Depending, you might see me all week but that all depends how much effort you put into coming today" and I was going to get a ride because my roommate and her boyfriend were going to ask our neighbor but not tell him it's me because we're awkward now but I managed to get a ride and was going to take the train back.

I didn't like that we plan on seeing each other and then he tells me, "Be here by 7pm because it's going to be an event that you will never forget! Bring as many people as you want and I'll get them in for free!" and I shouted (IRL) saying "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO AN EVENT, I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU!" but I just told him, "An event? No, we planned to see each other!" and then we started to proceed to trying to make the plan work. I was going to take the train, stay the night over there at the hotel they were staying at and then leave in the morning and then when I was getting ready, he said "Cancel the plan." and I said "Why?!" and then he said, "Nevermind, what's your address?" and then I gave him where I was located but not my complete address. And then later he said, "Cancel the plan" and then he called me and said, "It's too much of a hassle. I don't have a car, you don't have a ride. And you're 40 minutes away. I have to take care of my team first because a lot of them are coming and we have to pick them up with the company car. And it'd be a hassle to just pick you up and drop you off."

And then I said, "But I want to see you. We planned to see each other..." and he knows I'm leaving for the USAF. Even though he tried to get me to back out but we planned on seeing each other. And then I said, "What about the other days you'll be here for?" and he said "I'm doing business. Business stuff." and I said "Okay..." and he said, "I'll see my schedule for tomorrow."

Then, I went out just for a walk because I was just so frustrated and hurt and I was really eager to see him... But it failed. So I went out for a walk and maybe grab some food but then my best friend/roommate text me and was like, "You okay?" and was trying to comfort me and all. But then I just felt like shit. I went to the liquor store and bought small bottles of vodka and went to a Mexican restaurant but as I was walking there, I called my friend Ryan because he is usually who I go to for these things but he didn't pick up and I left a voicemail but I choked and hung up and then he called me right away and the first thing he said was, "Reanne... What happened?" and then I balled my eyes out on the phone as I was walking and I cried 10 minutes straight. And then I just stopped, sat on the pavement and cried an then I spoke to him about it and whatnot. There have been a couple people that came up to me and asked me if I was okay...

At that time, I felt like shit. I felt like I wasn't worth anything anymore. I felt like he changed and doesn't know or see what I've been trying to do for me, him and "us". I felt like I was constantly trying to prove to him how much I wanted us to work out, how much I want us to be together. I moved out of Seattle to move to Maryland so that we could live together and whatnot. He'd go to school, do Army ROTC, work and whatnot and I'd find a job, do the Air Force and all that jazz. But the fact that I dropped everything in Seattle to move to Maryland, I was hoping he'd see why. And he was happy, but things started to get worse when I couldn't find a job but my mom found one in California for me so we made the decision that I go there, and then come back before spring because he was going to move into an apartment with his cousin and that was going to be for us because his roommates didn't like me very much for some reason. Then things started to fall out for him and he didn't express it to me so he ended up bottling it up and ignoring me (but I should have known it was midterms week at that moment but it slipped my mind) and then he exploded on me and proposed that he couldn't do a long distant relationship anymore.

I cried my eyes out because I felt like I had to constantly prove myself that I do put in effort and that I do work for shit and things like that but he's always saying "earn it" "effort" "depends on how much you put in for ____________." and it sucks because how much more do I have to do to make him see that I put in so much effort! And I'm still willing to give it but... It hurts at the same time because I've been waiting patiently since December. And when we broke up, we said we can still be friends and whatnot and we'll see about the future or whatever... But he use to not be like this. AT ALL.

And it's sad because we talked about getting married and he talked to me about us having a family and things like that because he was going to join the army, and I was going for the air force and we planned so much for the both of us. But then he turns and does this...

Then when I got off the phone with Ryan, I went to eat and I started drinking on my way back walking home and then I started to drunk-text Gen and Gia, ranting my ass off and I feel SO bad because I was reeeeeally angry and I was hating on myself. I was calling myself "stupid" and talking myself down. And then I was just leaving random people love messages and I was trying hard not to drunk-text Dexter because I didn't want him to flee or anything...

I couldn't really sleep last night because I was awake and crying in bed. And Emily (my best friend and roommate) was telling me to go see him because this is an opportunity and blah blah blah and then later, she told me that she doesn't think he deserves me and that he has changed... And she even told me that he's most likely acting this way because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings since I am his "first girlfriend" and "first for everything" kind of person and I guess so because he's Korean and he sucks at expressing his emotions... Like, it takes a lot for him to do it. And when he does, he feels weird and vulnerable and he didn't like it but he was okay with it me because it was me. But I don't know what happened.

And then, today, this morning... He texted me saying "I'll be at Long Beach" and I said, "That's still 40 minutes away..." and he said, "I didn't say you had to come. That's where we're going to be." and I said, "Do you want me to come?" and he said, "That's up to you." and I said, "I asked you." and he said "Come."

I didn't like that he said, "Come by 7pm because it'll be an event that you will never forget! Bring as many friends you want and I'll get them in for free!" - HELLOOOOOOOO, WE PLAN TO SEE EACH OTHER, NOT FOR ME TO GO TO AN EVENT. And it made me feel even more like shit because of it. But I told him, "An event? No, we said we're seeing each other..." and then we proceeded to still meet but then it failed.

And then he called me just now and said, "Are you coming or not?" and I said "I'll see what I can do, I can probably be there around 2pm." and he said, "I don't be here because we're going to Hollywood." and I said "What are you doing tomorrow?" and he said "I'm busy all day tomorrow." and then before he hung up he said, "I'll have to call you back, I'll see what I can do."

And he was trying to convince me that his company was better than the Air Force and that once I go to these seminars, my mind will change but I know what they're all about. All the seminars will tell me is how I can be "financially free" and be a millionaire by the time I'm at a certain age and then retire young. But... Ever since I was 13, I've always wanted to be in the Air Force. I feel like my whole life is in it and I want to make a career out of it. Even though I don't end up a millionaire or financially free in two to three years, as long as I'm doing what I love, liking where I live and being able to make new friends... I'm happy. And he thought the same too until he was fucking brainwashed into this company because shit was going down for him, he was struggling financially and was going through family problems and then BOOM, he became some robot that I don't even know.

And then he calls me and right before he hangs up, he said "I'll see what I can do." but... I feel like I've put in so much effort and all he sees is me going to this event. And he's all like, "You can join my company, you can work with me and you can help out your mom" and giving me all this crap and I'm thinking to myself 'I'd rather work my ass off for honest money to help my mom than to join a pyramid-scheme of a company and get a lot of dirty money to help her when I don't know where this company is getting their money.' and I just told him that I don't want to join something that is sooooo sketchy.

I'm not going to boast or be conceited but there are a lot of guys that want to date me, there's even four right now that have been asking me out on dates and since we're been broken up since December, I've been dating but I always find myself thinking about him and I try not to get it in my head because I have the Air Force to do. So, I'm like, "No, I have to focus on the USAF..." and before, he was telling me that he'll be the one to take care of me and all these things and I told him, "I want to do something with my life, I don't want to stay home and do nothing." and I even pointed out, "When we have kids, I want to be the mom that's more than a role model, someone that has done something great in life and that they can follow my footsteps." and he understood and allowed me to do what I wanted. We both were going into the military but he changed his mind since he found this company.

I still love and care about him but I'm slowly realizing that I cannot have him AND the Air Force together and I have to give up one or the other. And right now, I cannot give up on the Air Force because it's what I want to do and it's my life. However, when I'm done with Tech School, I'll try and see if I can still be in his life but at this point, I can't expect anything. :(

Sigh. (cries) I just want my Blue Fox back...