Waiting, Missing, Understanding.

Half of me feels hallow and sad and the other half of me still has hope and strength to wait.

I understand that he’s busy; school, ROTC, work, friends. And I understand why he withdrew from me because of my rare moments of neediness.

I know that he was going through a situation that was tough for him… Juggling me, over school, work, ROTC, sleep and everything else in between, I admit that it could have been too much for him. Thus, why he withdrew…

When a woman is upset about something, most women talk to their friends and lean on their support group. The way women handle difficult emotions is much more psychologically healthy and healing, also it’s culturally accepted, which helps. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help/support. A guy might do it but he’ll typically feel like a loser or weakling for asking for support or even talking about his feelings.

And knowing him, he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings because he feels weak (and he even admitted this to me) and he tends to bottle up all his feelings. Yes, he has opened up his heart, feelings and what he’s thinking about to me a couple times before but he usually stops himself half-way because he starts to feel vulnerable… Yet, he knows I can comfort him but at the same time, he doesn’t like to feel weak.

With that said, when a guy is under a lot of emotional and/or psychological stress, he will want to withdraw socially until he’s figured out his situation. Apparently, guys don’t like to be around people when they don’t think they’re at the “top of their game”. (sigh)

I suppose it’s important that I don’t take him being withdrawn personally. It’s most likely not about me at all, who knows. Sometimes, I just have remember that his withdrawing is a factor of him not wanting to appear weak or out of control and just allow him space for that…

”Reanne, I can’t do this anymore…” and ending the call with, “Don’t call or text until I do. (hangs up)”

(http://wooglemyshoogle.tumblr.com/post/11266930454/patience-focus)

To be honest, I don’t find this “breaking up”. I don’t know about you but I don’t. Call me stupid, call me dull but I don’t. I really don’t.

”I think he’s doing what he needs to do to get his life in order. School, work and ROTC aren’t something someone can just end and pick up again. With relationships, there’s a chance of doing that.” — Katrina

Even though now, it’s been about a month since we last spoke - yeah, a whole month despite my one effort to try and say something - I still feel like we’re not broken up because one, the way he ended the phone call and said “don’t call or text until I do” so unless he’s a complete fob and doesn’t know what that means, he’ll contact me… Eventually.

”I know it’s easy to think that way because you guys haven’t talked in three weeks now. But it’s really impossible for that love was blank. It exists. It’s hard to know that for sure when he hasn’t talked to you. You just need reassurance and I hope you get that soon. Being alone with just your thoughts is kind of dangerous. The mind can easily trick you and make you think negatively. I think he misses you and loves you so much, this is hard on him. Maybe even harder because he has to do school and ROTC. It’s hard to concentrate on things like that when you’re hurting and missing someone.” — Emily

I just wish I knew how to comfort him through this time for him even though I was being a bit needy in the beginning. But I’m scared to try and help out without coming off as a personal therapist. I feel like if I start offering help or support to him, he would still not like it and a lot of guys will actually resent it, they won’t resent the gesture in it of itself but they’ll resent the fact that they feel like they’re an object of pity like they can’t handle their situation themselves and knowing him, that’s how he would feel and react.

Instead, the best thing that I can do is admire and appreciate all of the good parts of him. If I’m a well of appreciation, love and admiration, he’ll feel good around me and it will have a healing effect on him and he’ll feel relief and appreciate that I’m not trying to play therapist with him… But to be honest, I’m starting to forget how to comfort him because I’m so scared to come off as something he doesn’t want to hear and then he’ll flee further away from me.

How can I be the source of relief for him without directly trying to “help him” with the problem? I just want him to feel relief from me like before because I know it’ll be easier for him to work out his own issues… I know I shouldn’t bring up his stresses or struggles, I feel that he’ll bring them up himself if he wants to talk about them…

Apparently, when a guy shares something with you, his main desire is for you to understand him and his experience. He doesn’t want your help — He wants to feel you understand him.

AH: I don’t think you understand how busy I am…
Me: I do.
AH: No, you don’t.
Me: What? Of course I do. I get it. I really do…

I understand how busy he is because I’ve been there before. I know what it’s like, I was in college, I had 2 jobs, I was juggling friends and long distant relationship and I was playing sports. So, I definitely know how stressful it can be and yeah, then it was just too much for me… I withdrew from everything and everyone. But I guess he just felt like I didn’t understand what he was going through because I’m basically doing nothing right now and I have too much free time…
And I’m at the point where I’m a little scared to offer help because sometimes in an effort to help, women actually cause men to retreat deeper into their shell because of how they react to his withdrawn behaviors and that’s the last thing I want right now. We women either try to be helpful (which makes the man feel emasculated) or we take it personally and start becoming really insecure/needy (which makes the man feel burdened even more).
TIP: Don’t try to solve and don’t take it personally. Just be a well of admiration, appreciation and love and give him the space to come around.

It’s hard to not try and solve it because as the girlfriend that loves him oh-so-much, I just want to help him remove his burdens, you know? And to not take it personally is hard as well because since he has never done this to me before, now that he’s doing it to me now, is kind of heart breaking. Sigh.

And I do blame all of this on my rare moments of neediness and a whole week before he called me, I went through a “freak-out” phase and if you knew me, I’m rarely needy but the fact that I was going through a lot and I was so lonely, I just wanted him around but I didn’t realize that it was burdening him as well.

Thinking about it alone in my bedroom, I realized that I was being needy because of the fact that he was somewhat withdrawing away from me and I freaked out because he has never done that before… Despite the fact that he said, “I’m busy darling, you should know that” and even with that, I still kept on pushing it… And I think that was when he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Regardless, giving a guy space to sort it out is the best way to respond if a guy is feeling this way. But sometimes I think to myself, “How much time is enough time?”

At the root of neediness or “freaking out” is a fear: A fear that being with their partner will lead them somewhere terrible and being able to accept fear and give yourself and your partner permission to have fears is a healthy step along the way towards a better relationship.

I know that it was annoying, bothersome and I realized that even though I shouldn’t take it personally, I know that I was somewhat at fault and that it wasn’t entirely me but the fact that I contribute to it makes me feel guilty because I pushed the button and pushed him over the edge when I should have been a little more understanding and loving.

But no, my stupidity and rare cases of neediness had to keep pushing…

Now that I’m giving him space to come around, I can’t help but wonder what I can do to help him, fix it and make us work again.

Because I do honestly miss him. Sooooooooo much. So much that I can literally feel it in my chest, throbbing and wanting to hear his voice again…

I wish I knew what to do besides stay busy and wait.