"Brother Zoned"

So at church, I'm apart of a trio: Joe, Glenn and I.

We're mostly together most of the time and when we are, it's awesome. We watch movies together, we eat together and we're always together so it's almost like we're inseparable.

But lately, I've been sensing Glenn is thinking different and I should have trusted my gut because just a couple nights ago, when he was dropping me home, he was going to ask me something... I knew in my gut what it was going to be.


"Can I ask you something? (Yes...) How do you feel about us dating?"

My reaction: "Uhhhhhhhhh (pause) Um. I don't know. I never really thought about it..."

I felt super awkward. I mean, I really like him but... (get ready for it) I see him like an older brother. Womp, womp, womp. I know, I know. Some people would think I'm a jerk but it's true. Why do I feel this way? Because one: Joe's 25 and Glenn's 28. If I like someone or think someone's cute, I can't have a date without their approval. If I think someone's cute (but isn't a member of the church), they would stir me away. Example: When we eat at Denny's, there's this guy named Michael (who's Korean but he's 19) and I think he's the cutest Korean guy I've seen in forever and he looks SO much older than I am and I just drool at his baby-cute looks and nice bod. (HNNNNG!) but they would always tell me that I can't. (Even though I know I'm stubborn enough to go against it when they're not looking) BUT, it's actions like these that make me only think of them as brothers; nothing more. I know they love me and take care of me but it's just as brothers.

I didn't give Glenn an answer yet because I feel like I'm a jerk for rejecting and placing him in the "brother zone" which is apparently worse than the "friend zone" but I don't know how to say it... Without being a jerk.

And here's what I want to know: What is a date? Is a date a chance to get to know someone? Or is a date something someone does to get a few steps closer into having a relationship with that person? Because to me, it's both.

Joe asked me about it and I told him how I felt and he said, "It's just a date! It's not like he's asking you to marry him." and I know that but to me, dates gives off the idea/impression that there's room for something more like a relationship and if I want to avoid relationships, I will avoid dates.

I realized that I don't really feel like dating anyone (DG, for example) I really, really liked him but I also got attached quickly. Why is that? Because I want what happened. But I realized that DG and I wouldn't get along in a relationship because he's all about himself and slightly boastful and that's a turnoff. I like him but we might as well just be "best friends" and I don't want a relationship with anyone because I know it's not going to last especially when I'm leaving for the Air Force soon, also since I want to find a job and work, I can't focus on anything else but myself. Lastly, big reason, I still love this guy:

Call me stupid, call me crazy. When I took some time off to walk around and be by myself, deep down I still love him and there's a part of me that still wants to be with him. I've been keeping myself busy and I'm always out and about but when I was able to reflect... I still love Blue Fox.

But I need to support myself first before anything else...