Insecure Drama.

I've had my share of insecure boys as well. And I believe that there are two types. The Agressives and the  Mellows.

Agressives? Well, those are the ones that are all up your ass about stuff. I was with a guy, PB, and he was 85% of everything I wanted in a guy; looks, personality, background. It was all almost perfect. But then some events happened and he started to get stuff twisted, he started to lose trust in me and everyone around him and he did a total turn and the longer I stayed to help, the more unattractive he became. Everyone was screwing with him and he lost both his parents in the same year a few years back and that really messed him up. He started trash talking everyone and pushing them away including me. And when we were together, he was too controlling. "Who are you talking to?" "What are you doing right now?" "Are you lying to me?" "Are you going to leave me too?" "Where are you?" "Are you secretly seeing someone behind my back?" "Who's ______? Do I need to kick _____'s ass?" and the list goes on. People who know me know that I'm honest, patient, understanding and I'm pretty awesome and they say that I make a great girlfriend and a perfect mother. But sticking with PB was one of my most patient moments. Eight years of knowing each other, four years of a relationship and endless waiting. Before, he was the kind of guy that was protective and I really liked that. So if someone were to be all up on my case about something, he'd be there to protect me. Like, when a guy tried to "flirt" with me (but failed miserably) and I was too nice to send him away, PB came up beside me and said (to him), "I'm sorry, dude. My baby doesn't feel too comfortable with you trying to flirt with her." and that use to make me smile all the time. There was also a time when a guy was going to put his hand on my shoulder after making a lame joke, PB came in and smacked it away and told him, "Touch my girlfriend and you'll lose that hand." and he fled away like a scared bird and I use to say that he didn't have to do that and be so mean and he said, "Would you rather have me beat the shit out of him or would you rather have me charge them?" and I said, we could charge only because we'll have more shopping money and he said, "Okay. A shoulder is $150 each. Your arms are $200 each, your legs are $1500 each and your hair? $5600. Your lady parts? The death sentence. Actually, no. He'll be dead just thinking about it!"

And there was a time, I was in the Philippines for vacation because it was my uncles wedding (with a monster woman of an in-law) and PB had his senior prom at his high school. He called me (yes, long distance) when he was getting ready and told me that he was going to call me when he gets to the prom but we ended up texting each other instead and when they were gathering up for the announcement for prom king and queen, PB called me and said, "They're going to announce the prom king and queen, babe." and I'm on the phone, listening and he said, "I wish you were here..." and I said I wish that I was too and they announced the junior prom king and queen and then they were going to announce the seniors. They started off with the queen and I could hear so many people cheering for the girl and then, surprisingly, the school announced PB as senior prom king! And he was still on the phone with me and said, "Yeah! Babe, I'm prom king!" and I said, "You popular son of a bitch, why do you have to be so handsome?" and he stayed on the phone with me as he was being crowned and they had to give a small announcement and he said that he was thankful for those who voted for him and that after school ends, he'll miss it and miss each and everyone of them since he grew up with most of them and then at the end, he said, "There's a special girl that I truly love and couldn't make it here today but I bet she could hear me right now, and I dedicate 'Goo Goo Dolls - Iris' to her. And I suggest all of you dance with those that you feel this way to. Tonight is a great night and for the seniors, it's our last great time other than graduation this year. So live it up and love who you want to love. Just like how I love Otter. Thank you for making my night the best night of my life so far." then everyone clapped, yelled and cheered and he greeted friends while being on the phone with me then told me, "I love you Otter." and he knew I never would have ever left him. However, when things turned sour and he lost his parents in the same year, he became different. All the sweetness of him and all that protection just poisoned us. Even though I'm still sticking out for him... He was just too aggressively insecure. He ended up calling me nasty names, dissing me, disrespecting me, pushing me away and told me that he didn't need me and never did. Even though I knew it was a lie, to say it to me was just as hurtful as really meaning it, you know? And now, from being sweetly protective, it was at the point where even guys who look at me or smile at me, he'd get mad that I'm paying attention to that or look at them back. He would ask me, "Would you rather be with that douche or me?" and I'm like, "I've been with you for four years, almost five... Do you not know that I'd rather be with you? If I didn't want to be with you, I would have already left." and if someone guy friend were to call me to take me out to lunch and PB would be working so I would make plans with my guy friends but PB would tell me not to go and come visit him at work instead and if I didn't, we'll fight about it when he gets off work. "What did you eat with him? Did you share? Did he try to kiss you? Was he being an idiot? Did you let him touch you?!" and I'm like, "BABE, YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY. WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THESE INFORMATION?!" ... It was just too much. So I had to separate myself from him and he says, "Yeah! LEAVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE." even though I didn't want to leave, I just couldn't. I still care and am there for him but he needs help.

And the mellows are the ones that are the opposite but just as hard to deal with. I was dating Knat and it was a good relationship. A good two year relationship. We were both totally different from each other but we had chemistry but I was the kind of girl that was more outgoing and friendly and open and he was the kind of guy that was reserved, isolated but still open but it takes a long time to open up. And honestly, he's not that bad looking. He's actually handsome if he knew how to dress himself and not be such a goth and I'm the opposite and I ended up attracting too much attention whenever I go to his school. People would go up to him and say, "What did you do to get a girl like Otter?" "What does Otter see in you?" "You're so lucky, I never knew a guy like you can get a girl like her!" or worst, "You're out of her league." and all of that just boiled in him and he started to feel even more insecure on top of how insecure he already was. So whenever we go out, he was always nervous and I'd feel bothered because it always seemed like it was my fault. So one day, we spoke about it and he said things like, "What do you see in me?" "You're too good for me." "You're too pretty, and you could have gotten a better guy than me. Someone who's bigger, taller, stronger, more athletic, someone who doesn't smoke, did drugs, someone who's not taking medication for stupid depression that I was born with when you could be with someone who's outgoing and someone who has money and I'm as poor as f*ck. What do you see in me?!" and it use to bother me a lot that he kept all of this inside and never expressed it to me and then he added, "Every time you come to my school, everyone looks at you. Some of them admire you, some of them look at you like they want you and some of the guys I know say that you're hot and that they would want you if I wasn't with you and some girls are jealous of you that you come here and their boyfriends stare at you." and I would say, "Do YOU hate it? Does it bother you?" and I even brought up, "Would you feel more comfortable if we broke up?" and he would say no because he loves me and wants to be with me so I told him, "Then that's all you need to focus on." but it was always a struggle when most of our fights is because of this insecurity. I ended up feeling like I was fighting more in this relationship to just prove how I'm not going to leave him for someone else. I mean, he looked like Ashton Kutcher. And I am not kidding. He was 6'2, had green eyes, and he had a nice body structure and he had a personality that I thought everyone SHOULD see. He was a good guy in the making but I was trying too hard for him to come out. I did what I could to change him because he was a person who had the potential to do great things. I changed his wardrobe, made him change his hair, got him into rugby during senior year and got him into the senior varsity and he was doing so good but when we had to separate for college, he went back to his old habits and in short, ended up downgrading and married a even more insecure rat but I'm not judging and then after I got over that break up, I realized it was more of a relief.

So, yeah. I've had my share of insecure guys and I have dated guys that were but these two; PB and Knat, were the ones that took the cake as of now.

I just can't really deal with it. I mean, everyone had insecurities and I can say that I definitely do but I don't have it ruin my life. Sure, I wish I had bigger eyes and wish I was taller and skinnier and smarter and more of this and that but I don't let it ruin a relationship that I'm in or potentially stopping me from having one for that matter. Some guys who go after me like what I have, love my personality and I have to accept that even though I wish I was better. But, to have it go down like that, I think is just crazy.

I love them both but... I can't fight over that.