Otter Misses Her Blue Fox.

December 19: Blue Fox finally called me.

With Emily's help, though. Actually, I told Emily what to say but we used her account.



Emily's message via Facebook: "hey blue fox, this is emily. im contacting you because im really worried about reanne. i know that you havent tried contacting her but i really would like you to call her and talk to her like you use to. she loves and misses you very much and she just wants to be there for you. it hurts me to see her trying to get by but its hurting her inside when all she wants is to hear from you and talk to you like before. she has given you space when you asked for it but ignoring her for 8+ wks is ridiculous but i understand that you have school and rotc. shes been patient all this time and hasnt lost her her faith in you. i had high hopes for you tow and i know she makes you happy and that you still care and love her... just please give her a call."

Blue Fox's reply to Emily via Facebook: "this message has changed my view completely. You have influenced me into talking to Reanne. I understand now that even other people are being affected by this situation. I had no idea and that truly disheartens me. You have to understand that my priorities are set to have a career. It shows my lack of commitment to other things and long distance relationship is just too hard. It wont work when so many people are worried. I see that there is only one solution to this imminent, ongoing problem that I will probably face for at least 6 years plus active duty. I thank you for making me realize what has been going on this whole time."

Then he called me and this is how our conversation went:

Blue Fox: Hey, long time no talk...
Me: Mhmm...
Blue Fox: Listen, we need to talk.
Me: Yes?
Blue Fox: I can't do this anymore, Otter.
Me: Do what?
Blue Fox: I can't do this long distant relationship... It's just too hard and I have to focus on my career.
Me: But you said you could wait~
Blue Fox: I know, and I realized that I can't. It's just too hard...
Me: But it's not like I'm not going to come back. I am~ You know that.
Blue Fox: Yeah but I have things to focus on and I have to focus on my career, Otter.
Me: And I just wanted to be there for you, and I just wanted us to talk...
Blue Fox: But I can't talk. I don't have time~ And I'm getting messages from Emily and I don't even know who that is and it's going to be harder if everyone is effected by this...
Me: Not everyone is effected by it...
Blue Fox: Yes, they are.
Me: No, they're not... I just wanted us to talk, I don't care if we don't talk for hours like we use to but just to talk to you is enough and you know I can wait for you, I know you can wait for me and you know I'm coming back.
Blue Fox: I can't do it...
Me: What if I lived closer?
Blue Fox: ... How close?
Me: Just closer.
Blue Fox: I can't, Otter. I can't. I have to focus on my priorities.
Me: Then why did I go all the way to Maryland then?
Blue Fox: I wanted to help you and for you to be here with me, I thought I could help you as well because your situation was disheartening but I realized that I couldn't help you like I wanted to... But your current situation is better, is it not?
Me: It's better but not the best, I wanted to stay with you~
Blue Fox: I know but I can't. We can't. Reanne, I think we should just be friends.
Me: But... Why can't we just... Talk.
Blue Fox: Otter... I can't. Just accept my decision. I'm really busy, I have finals tomorrow and I doubt I'm even going to be sleep tonight and I'm putting in time to talk to you...
Me: (sigh)
Blue Fox: I think we should just be friends, Otter.
Me: What about if we start over again later on?
Blue Fox: I don't know what the future holds...
Me: Well, I can wait...
Blue Fox: Otter...
Me: (sigh) Just... Tell me... Were your feelings genuine and sincere?
Blue Fox: Mhmm, yes.
Me: ... Mmk.
(long pause)
Blue Fox: I have to study...
Me: Okay...
Blue Fox: Bye...
Me: (silence)

I felt like he made a rash decision only because he was going through finals and whatnot and I'm sure that he and I couldn't really talk it out because I'm pretty sure there were people around him; he was talking to someone before he realized we were connected on the line. When I ask my guy friends, they're just telling me that he's going through a lot and since this is his first relationship, he just doesn't know how to deal with a long distance relationship. And he's doing this because he's afraid of the inevitable and the inevitable being that we wouldn't be able to be together so he's pushing it aside to save himself the trouble. And what he's going through is just too much for him and all. Sooooooooo... I don't know. :/ Emily wants to send him another message...

"This is weird because reading it is like deja vu to me. I said the same thing to my girlfriend cause I needed to focus on my career but she kept complaining, but not because I didnt call or text often but she said I was too obsessed with my military career. So breaking up with her didnt bother me. With your situation, he probably made impulsive decisions so let him relax a bit then call/talk to him again. He wants to focus on his career atm. Doesnt mean he doesnt want you anymore..." - JB

"He might be trying to distance himself because hes afraid of the inevitable... The inveitable being you guys wont be able to be together again. I'm pretty sure he isn't ready for a long ditsance relationship..." - KN

January 10:

Emily: Are you ready to message Blue Fox again?
Otter: ... Kind of? I don't know.

To be honest, it's weird. He may not be the most handsome, the smartest or have all the money in the world... Even though he does have imperfections (despite what he says), he's the greatest to me. I've never wanted someone so bad before... When I was with Fisherman (2 years), PB (4.5 years) and Knat (2 years),  they were just mediocre but I did have feelings for them (and PB is actually the most important) but them leaving me, I would have dealt with it and just let it go because I knew it was their loss anyways. But with Blue Fox, I just... Can't. I guess it's because I know we're suppose to be together. I just can't let it go that easily... And it's also because... I hate it when two people know they are meant to be together, but they don't do anything about it and what I hate the most is when two people are together, but they know that they shouldn't be. And Blue Fox and I are the first one. We know we're suppose to be together but we don't do anything about it. I don't know why I let him in my heart so easily, maybe it was because I knew something great would come out of it... And it's so much harder to let go when I still believe we can make it.

And I still believe he still has feelings for me... (Sigh)

I miss my Blue Fox. So much... So much that... I feel it everyday.

Sigh,
Otter