Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Dollar-Worth of Thoughts And Two Dozen Powdered Donettes.

For the last two weeks, it has been really hard for me lately. I'm trying to figure out how to make things work in my life, I'm now talking to Ryan again and of course, I can't stop thinking about Blue Fox.

Two days ago, I was probably at my craziest.

Two days ago, I was walking around doing what I could and somehow, I walked too far but I was like, "Meh, whatever. Keep going. It's too early to go home now..." I didn't want to stop because my mind was racing, I just couldn't stay in the house and feel even more crazy.

So in the middle of my walking adventure, I saw this homeless guy siting on the sidewalk who was doing what homeless people do; ask for money and just sit there, so I gave him a dollar even though I knew it wasn't much.

After giving the homeless guy a dollar, I go to some liquor store and look around - since my new thing is walking around and going into every store and restaurant and not buy anything; almost like window shopping in stores and restaurants. - So, I go into the liquor store and since I was on my that-dot-thingy-at-the-end-of-every-sentence, I was wanting something to eat and it was something I haven't ate in forever; Powdered Mini Donettes! I ended up buying two boxes. Sigh. While walking back, I started attacking the first box and noticed that the homeless man was still there so I went up to him, sat next to him and shared some powered donettes.

WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING? WHAT THE HELL WAS I EVEN DOING?! WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD?! I COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED, KILLED OR SOMETHING.

But luckily, it didn't happen that way.

I shared my powdered donettes and made small talk at first.

Let's call him Scruff.

So later on, I asked Scruff about his life, if he has any children, if he was married and what job he had before he became homeless and he said that he use to be a businessman working for one of the biggest companies here in the US and was making some good money, until one day, he got into some stuff after series of events with his wife and he ended up drowning himself in other things that he was starting to forget about his family and ended up homeless (in short) but he said that he's clean and is trying to find a job but since there are so many people looking for jobs, a lot become homeless and live in shelters and since there are a lot of homeless people in California, most of the shelters don't have space and he was unlucky today. He didn't look too bad, I mean, if he cleaned up and stuff, he would have still had a nice face but it was hard to tell through his tangly beard and dirty clothes.

Then he thanked me for the powdered donettes and asked me about my life. Uh-oh.

"Do you go to school? Do you work?", Scruff asked. "Nope. I don't have enough money to keep up with school here and tuition is getting more difficult to pay, I don't even have a car and I don't have a job, since no one's hiring, to keep paying the bills but I'm still trying.", I replied. "That's good to know, at least you're trying and trying is all we need right now.", he added.

Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend or a husband. "I've also seen you walk back and forth and you looked... A bit... Lost. Not physically, but lost... In your head. Your eyes are a little sad. Seeing a pretty girl like you, it seems like you have a lot on your mind. Do you have a boyfriend as well, I assume? Or a young married couple?" and for a second there, I felt a little creeped out. Has he been watching me? Is he trying to hit on me? What's his deal? But I calmed down and continued to scoff down some more powdered donettes.

"No, I'm not married and a boyfriend? Ha! Um, yeah, well, no? Yes and no?", I said.
"Yes and no? How can you be yes-and-no with someone?", he questioned.
"Well... You see... I was with someone but I still feel like we're... Connected." I said, "His name is Blue Fox. And... We were together for a short time but it crashed, miserably, into a wall made out of bricks of steel. And I'm now in the state where I'm still left with the pieces..."
"Ah~", he answered. "Is that why you look lost? Are the pieces overwhelming?", he added.
"Indeed," I sighed. "Overwhelming is the word."

I tried to suck it up because the last thing I want is to cry in front of a homeless person. I suppose if I were to cry in front of a homeless person over this, it would have been my all time low but isn't sharing some information with a homeless person already weird enough? I don't know. I felt a sense of comfort, in a way. Call me crazy but I did.

"So what happened?", he asked out of curiosity.
"When we were doing the first initial move to be officially living together, he realized it was too much, too fast and he couldn't handle. He had school, ROTC, work, douche roommates that didn't like that I was there so we planned that I come here, get a job, work, earn money, come back to Maryland by the spring so we can move into our own place with his cousin but while I was here, he felt that he couldn't take care of me and be fully committed to the relationship because he wanted to focus on his career in the army and the long distance wasn't helping.", I said.
"Ah~ It seems like he has a lot on his plate.", he sighed in sorrow.
"I guess... But, through all of this hardship after I got to California, I started to feel sad because I was away from him again after wanting to be with him, I packed all my stuff from Seattle and moved out there; I took a chance. But it was timing that killed us. He was getting too busy and I started to feel like I was being neglected but my feelings haven't changed. Then we started fighting and he started to distance himself and then I started to question whether he loved me sincerely or I was just not worth caring for and that all of this was just a joke and that I was the fool... Again.", I whispered in embarrassment.
"You're a young lady, that's normal. Women think too much and men just don't understand.", he said, trying to comfort me.

I started to get the sense that he knew I was getting emotional. DAMN YOU, DOT-THING AND POWDERED DONETTES! Damn you...

Then there was an awkward silence.

"What's he like?", he asked.
"What's he like... Is a big question. Ummm... He's sweet, caring and funny. Sometimes he's weird but not as weird as me. He's carelessly cute and a bit of a smart ass. Sometimes, he can be domineering but he's super focused... Even though he's careless, he's ambitious. He's a great guy. People see him as a "nice guy" so he's not really the kind of person people want to date but I saw something different.", I replied.

That's what I started off with? Great. -_-

I could have lied, you know. I could have said he was a 6'3, athletic, romantic heart throb who wrestles bears on his spare time but I had to describe Blue Fox the way I saw him.

"He's like me. But a male version. We're alike, it's almost scary... And we had this flow between us." I added.
"Like you?", Scruff asked. "I say, if you found someone who's just like you and you feel a connection, there's something important in that."
"You think so?", I asked.
"Go on...", he said politely.

I scoff down another powdered donette and continued...

"Hm, well... He was the one who was falling in love with me before I even realized but I did have feelings for him. He was planning so much for us; where we'll live, what we'll do, where we'll go, who we'll hang out with and it got to the point where, he was the first one to say "I miss you" and "I love you" and even though I felt the same way, I was too shy to say it and he was the first one to admit it to me. Our relationship was getting serious to the point where he was thinking of having children with me...", I said.
"Children?!", Scruff said surprisingly.
"Yeah, crazy right?", I chuckled. "He wanted to be with me, he wanted me to move out and be with him so we could be together, since I didn't like living in Seattle anymore, I took the chance. And he picked me up at the airport and during my flight, he kept texting me and calling me, telling me he can't wait to see me and to pick me up and that he's super excited. When I was getting off the plane in Maryland, heading to the baggage claim, he was telling me he wasn't sure where to find me but will do whatever it takes to come find me. So when I was waiting for my bags to come out, I was standing in the middle of the baggage claim and I was nervously looking around, waiting for him... Until I saw him pop out from behind someone. I immediately knew it was him. He walked around and hid behind someone else and acted like he didn't see me at all but I knew he was looking at me. And he moved his way across to me, smiled and said, "Hi." and handed me an apple. I couldn't stop giggling and he then wrapped his arms around me, hugging me and I was so happy, I hugged him so tight that he felt it and said, 'ahh~ I love your hugs.' and my ear was right on his chest and I could hear his heart racing. And he helped me with my bag. We went outside but his roommate-friend's car had some trouble so while we waited for the tow truck to come get it and wait for his roommates-friend's dad to pick us up, we were playing Scrabble on his phone, and whenever it was my turn, he would rest his head on my shoulder and wrap his arms around me. And when we were in the car, he made me sit closer to him and he held onto my hand tightly.", then I stopped because I started to choke on my words.

"I'm sorry...", I whispered and turned away.
"No, no, no. Don't be. Let it out. It seems like you've been bottling this up for too long...", Scruff said. "Continue when ready."

So I continued, even wondering why he could have just told me to leave or told me to stop because he was fed up with all this mushy stuff but instead, he listened like a gentleman.

"When we got to the apartment, he made me a sandwich. Some sausage-egg-jelly sandwich and when I wanted to shower, he showed me around and even cleaned out his closet to make room for me. And three days before I came, he called me up and asked all different types of questions about what kind of blanket I wanted. Soft, thick, thin, yellow, green. He asked me because he said that we'd be sleeping together so he wanted to get the right blanket from his house. And when I was getting ready to shower, he handed me a gift; a Army Strong long sleeve shirt. So I took a shower and it was time to go to bed, he saw me with my wet hair, looked at me and gasped in awe. He then came up to me, took my comb and started coming my hair. He then looked at me and wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight. I really felt like he was extremely happy. And the other times he combed my hair while it was wet, he'd look at me, gently smiled and tell me how pretty I am. And then when my hair was dry, we went to bed and we held hands, hugged each other while we slept and on the first night, he kissed me and giggled. I was shocked at first, but I was too happy that I kissed him back and he was so happy that his heart was racing again and I put my hand on his chest and I smiled because I knew how happy he was. More days of us sleeping in the same bed, he would stroke my hair away from my face and say in Korean how pretty I am, and sometimes I'd pretend that I didn't hear it and he would tell me it was nothing so I'd turn away and sleep, two minutes later, he would hover over me and say, "I said..." and he would repeat it and I would kiss him. Sometimes, before we sleep, he would tell me that he missed me that day because he had school or he would tell me that he loves me and that he's happy that I'm there with him. Even though we didn't get to hang out as much because he had school, ROTC and work, I was okay with just being around him. I would wake up at 5am with him just so I can make sure he goes to ROTC. And before he leaves the house, he would kiss me 'goodbye' and I would go back to sleep, and when he comes back at 8am, he would shower and crawl back into bed with me and we would sleep until 10:30am for his 11am class. Sometimes, he would kiss me in my sleep and hug me while I sleep and I'd be too tired to realize.", I added but then I had to stop again because my eyes were welling up...

"If you need to cry, cry.", Scruff said.
"It's silly, I know. I... Try not to cry in public.", I replied while wiping my eyes.
"Why not?", he asked.
"People might think I'm some crazy Asian...", I said.
"It's called emotions, not craziness.", he said.

I exhaled and continued, "There would be times where he would wake me up at 8am so we could shower together. He would wake me up, saying he needs my help and I go out, ready to help and then he comes over, wraps his arms around me, kisses me and leads me backwards to the bathroom. And I'm confused and I playfully refuse and we're laughing but trying not to wake up the roommates, and he carries me, fully clothed, into the running shower."

"Aww...", Scruff chuckled. "Go on..."

"And then we just showered, he washed my hair, I washed his and we both shared a pink, fluffy loofa scrub and we've showered together more than a couple times. He would always make food for me and we would always eat together. And we've, you know, have done... It. Together. A few times. But then, school started to get hectic for him. He was behind school work, he was slacking in ROTC and he was often tired to go to work on the weekends but he still had to do it but he would always seek motivation from me. But then, one day, I started to feel weird because he was talking to his roommates in secret and then we ended up talking about it and he said all the things I've said before about how the roommates didn't like that I was there, so him and I planned that I leave, work and come back and he even said, "it's not like you're going to be gone forever, you are going to come back and if you don't, I'll come find you" and I told him that I'm definitely coming back and he said, "you better". But when we were talking, I asked if he was upset and he was trying not to express his feelings because he didn't want it to effect the rest of the things he needed to do. So I had to fish it out of him and he said, "How do you think I feel?" and I said, "You have to tell me. I don't want to assume. Are you upset that I'm leaving?" and he nodded and I could see if he stared at me long enough, he would have teared so he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Then he added, "But I can't get upset or I can't do things properly." and I told him that he didn't have to worry because I am coming back and I laid my head on his chest and he just stroked my hair.", I lowered my head and sighed.

"Mm...", Scruff nodded and continued listening.

"The day that I left, he couldn't bring me to the airport so I had to go alone but we kept texting until I got to the airport. I kept crying at the airport, telling him that I didn't want to leave and he kept telling me 'don't cryyyy!' and told me that I'm coming back and that he'll be there waiting for me. So that really made me feel better but I couldn't stop crying. And I kept thinking of the moment at 5am, when I had to go, him and I were hugging for so long, he had his arms around me, tight and didn't let go. We were hugging for like 10 minutes straight. My face was dugged into his chest and his head was on my shoulder and he didn't want to let go. And I was trying to comfort him, telling him that I'm coming back and he told me that I better, and I was stroking his back, trying to comfort him because it looked like he would have cried but I saw that he was struggling to keep it in.", I said while tears were just falling down my face.

I cleared my throat and said, "But I'm strong so I sucked it up and did what I had to do. For us."
Scruff nodded, "Mhmm~ And then what happened when you got here?", he asked.

"When I got here, I was pretty bummed. I've always wanted to live in Maryland. California's just too difficult. You need a car to get around and the bus can only take you so far but it's never far enough. And I've been trying to avoid this place for so long, I dread being back.", I said.
Scruff just laughed. "I know, I know what you mean. California's big, but it's a whole lot of nothing, really."
"Exactly!", I exclaimed. "Being here, I hated it. And I would always express my displease thoughts towards it and he tried his best to cheer me up and motivate me. One day, he got super busy and I was paranoid and ended up thinking that he was neglecting me or ignoring me...", I included.
"Uh-oh," Scruff said. "I think I know where this is going..."
"Mhmm," I agreed. "I started to feel like those needy people; where are you, what are you doing, can we talk?, are you busy? and he would not answer and one day, I said it felt like he was ignoring me and he said, "I'm busy darling, but if you're going to think that, I might as well ignore." and that really hurt my feelings but it was comforting that he didn't mean to but the peak was when we started to talk and he finally called me. But he called me at the wrong time; a time when his friend got into an accident, he was a day away from his first midterms and I was away, distracting him. So he ended up telling me that he wasn't sure if he could do this relationship and whatnot. He was telling me he has school, ROTC, work and he can't juggle me at the same time above those. I tried my best to make sure that he knew that I was still in this, wanting to motivate him and stuff like that but he was just too sad to focus on that. And we ended up not talking for a long time.", I sighed. "Then it wasn't until December 19 where things just got too much. We finally talked and he said that he can't do a long distance relationship, has a career to focus on, and thinks that we should just be friends and I almost begged him to stay and I told him 'what if I moved closer?' and he said 'how close?' but that didn't seem to work too well."

I told Scruff all the conversations, all the message sending and all our old conversations.

"Wow.", Scruff said. "How did the conversation end?", he asked.
"Well... I asked if his feelings were sincere and he said that they were. And then when we had to hang up, he just told me that he had to study because he was a day away from finals... When we were talking, he just seemed so irritated and started talking about how he has finals, wouldn't be able to sleep that night and all that. I felt like we had such bad timing. He said he just realized that he couldn't take care of me and wouldn't be able to commit. And that saddened me. Now, I haven't tried to talk to him or call him... I thought I should give it more time. I don't know. Everyone says I'm doing too much, loving too much and I'm being too patient and need to say something but I don't know. I'm scared.", I said.
"That's understandable.", Scruff said. "But that's what happens when you love someone. You worry about everything, right? Even though it seems like a short time, it seems like you guys truly love each other like it was a long time. And I believe love is love, it doesn't matter if you loved for so long or for a short time, love is love. And it seems like he really did love you and had some strong feelings."
"... You think so?", I asked.
"I think so. I just think that he thought that he could do it but didn't realize how limited his abilities are. He was putting too much on his plate and since you guys met during the summer break, he was dreaming too big and thought he could handle it but then things started to crumble because reality hit him. He was probably like, "Oh shit, what did I just do? I can't do this... It's too much." and it overwhelmed him.", Scruff said.
"I agree...", I sighed.
"And I think he started to distance himself to save himself the heart break, and I think he started to push you away because he wanted to save the both of you. But you, as a lady, wanted to work it out because you were scared to lose him...", he reasoned. "I think he was just as sad and scared as you are."

I broke down and cried, hiding my face behind my knees and wrapped my arms around my legs, trying not to have Scruff look at me, sobbing like an idiot. All he heard was sniffing and he patted me on the shoulder and tried to comfort me.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, sweetheart...", he said quietly.
"No, no. I'm glad you did," I said. "I'm crying because that's what I wanted to hear."

He continued. "Since he said that you two should be friends, start there perhaps even though you know in your heart that you guys are more than that and I believe you two can be together. Actually, it seems like you two are suppose to be together. But, right now, maybe you should just give him time... Judging by what you have already told me, it seems like you have already given him too much time but guys are just as complicated as girls. We need time to grieve and we need time for ourselves as well... Since he's still young, he's just trying to find his way. Being young is hard, especially now. You need a degree to live comfortably, you need a masters degree to live better. The US is going to be even more competitive and it's only going to get worst as we go on... He's young and is just trying to figure out his life. But I don't think he meant to leave you like that... But maybe, that's the only way he knew was best. It also sounds like he's not really sure how to date, how to deal with feelings and how to handle situations well... And from what you told me, you're practically the only girl he actually wanted to be with and has only been with and had so much emotions attached to it so I'm pretty sure it hurt him just as much as it hurt you; or even more."
"You're just making me want to cry even more, Scruff.", I said sobbing on my knees.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. That's just how I see it.", he said. "You really love him, don't you?" he added.
I nodded, "... Yeah."
"You know what? I'm sure he loves you just as much, if not more.", Scruff said. "Don't take it too personally. It sounds like he didn't mean to..."
"What do I do now?", I asked.
"Well, that I don't know. You can try and talk to him; or not. I'm not sure. But I think that you two need to focus on your careers. And maybe, along the way, you two can meet up again.", he said.

I exhaled and sighed.

"How do you feel now?", he said.
"I feel sooooo much better but at the same time, I'm even more sad thinking he had to go through that.", I replied.
"I know, I know.", he nodded.

Then another awkward silence came up and I was trying to recover from crying...

"It's almost 7pm, don't you need to be home?", he asked.
"Oh. I almost forgot! I mean, I don't have anything important to do but I'm sure my roommates are wondering where I went... Or not. But, I suppose I should go home. I still have to walk 30 minutes back...", I said.
"Yes," he nodded. "You should head home before it gets too cold."
Then I started to worry, "What about you?", I said to Scruff.
"I'll do alright.", he said. "I have three coats and a blanket. I'll be fine. I'll head to the shelter in the morning, shower and find a job. And maybe call my wife."

Then I stood up and I asked if I could get a hug from him, even though at the back of my mind, he could have just simply stabbed me to death but I did it. I asked. And he gladly gave me one. Before I left, I gave him $10 and that should be good enough for him to get a good hot meal and some good coffee in the morning.

I also teared because I didn't want to leave him there but I gave him one big hug and departed. I even told him that I hope that we'll be able to meet again in the future. And he smiled at me and told me to stay the way I am and that he has hope and faith that Blue Fox and I will find a way.

I left happy with red, swollen eyes. I never knew I could easily cry in public, in front of a homeless man and random passer-bys. But, I felt good.

Maybe this is what I needed...

Hope.

Hopelessly lovesick,
Otter

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