Otter's Insecurities.

Definitely, Turtle.

Growing up, I always thought I was ugly.

Everyone that meets me and that includes my parents' friends always said that I was pretty and some even assumed that I was so pretty, I seemed adopted but I just thought they said that because I was young and cute. But I never believed anything they said.

My father use to always compare me to his friends' children, saying how come I can't study as hard as so-and-so, how come I couldn't dress like so-and-so, why can't I play a certain instrument like so-and-so, why can't I practice harder like so-and-so, why can't I be as pretty as so-and-so. And as I got older, his insults just got worse and there are moments where he would tell me that I looked ugly.

You're too fat.
You're like a boy.
You're lacking lady-like manners.
You're not doing good enough.
You're not smarter enough.
You're not fast enough.
You're not respectful enough.
You don't have any talents.
You don't know how to do ______.

Basically, I wasn't good enough for anything.

But what made me sad even more was when we go to Filipino parties with family friends, he would say it in front of everyone, in front of me, where everyone can hear it. "You need to be more like so-and-so" and all I would say was, "Okay." and I would walk away in embarrassment. And I wouldn't cry until I got home.

Sometime during middle school, I felt like I wasn't pretty at all. Middle school was when I felt like I was at my ugliest. Since my family is the typical Asian family, I had to be white-skinned and I had to be a certain way and I was the complete opposite. I was sporty, really tanned (from all the sports) and I was a little more boy-ish than I was girl-y. But it wasn't until I was twelve when I started to find an interest in girl-y clothes because I was always pressured to look like one and I had a lot of cousins that were white-skinned, had light hair, big eyes and they were all tall and skinny and stuff like that and my dad would praise them but I never got that from him.

So, when I was twelve, I colored my hair. I colored my hair so much, I almost have done every color in the book and I did color my hair blonde once. I colored my hair, I lost weight, I tried whitening lotions to whiten my skin and I bought these Japanese stickers that would create a crease (double eyelids) on my eyes to make them look wider. I started to find ways to make myself more appealing to get attention.

But even after that, it wasn't enough for my dad. There was always something wrong and I just never seemed to be enough so as I started to age, that stuck with me for a long time. I felt like I couldn't do enough, I felt like I was always lacking and I was always self-conscience and thought that everyone was out to judge me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I played sports because that was my thing. I played lacrosse and I was pretty bomb at it and boys from my school noticed how good I was so they praised me for my ability to rock it out and some girls praised me for being badass and some girls hated me for geting so much attention from boys because ever since I showed my competitiveness in sports, boys started to come at me and I thought that was when I felt "pretty".

The first time I felt pretty was when I was sweaty, tired and my skin was burning from the sun. It was weird but I felt like, that was the moment when I thought it was okay to be boy-ish but then my mom didn't like it because she wanted me to be more of a girl and my dad didn't like anything.

It wasn't until I was fifteen where I started to slowly accept myself and started to find myself "attractive" but I still wasn't sure what I was doing but it slowed down when I started dating PB and our stupid fighting moments but I started to accept myself.

I had my share of insecurities and I'm not going to lie, I still feel them sometimes but I'm more comfortable with myself now. I think I'm pretty and cute and there are a lot of things that I love about myself so now, I'm comfortable with myself and know that I can do whatever I wanted without being worried that someone's judging me. I know someone's always going to judge someone but now, I don't even care.

I had to grow up on my own and realize this by myself but I do still have those feelings... Sometimes, I feel like I'm too fat, sometimes I feel like I'm not tall enough, or my teeth aren't as pretty as I'd want them to and I use to hate how my eyes are so small because I was always teased growing up for my eyes. Since I grew up in communities where everyone was white and black, I was one of the few people that had Asian eyes and everyone would always tell me to "open my eyes" because they were so small so I would always feel like my eyes were ugly and that's why I would actually tape them to make double eyelids to make them wider but now, I love my eyes. Sure, I wish they were bigger but... I like them now.

I'm doing good now though but I don't let those insecurities get in the way of anything; especially relationships. I realized that I am attractive and I'm now comfortable about it.

Content,
Otter