I Can't Stay, Apparently.

Here's the hard part that I didn't want to talk about now...

Remember when I said that I had a feeling that I was making things awkward in the house? Well, I'm correct. The reason why all the boys in the house were in the other room for such a long time was because they were talking to Aaron about how much longer I'm going to have to stay because they thought I was only here for the weekend. He didn't tell his roommates that I was staying for a while, thinking that it's going to be okay because one roommate tends to have his girlfriend over from time to time as well so he planned it on his own without telling his roommates ahead of time: His mistake.

He didn't talk to me about it until last night when I came home at about 5pm, after getting maps and bus routes to find a job slightly outside Towson University. I come home, find the roommates and friends in the living room playing video games. I walk into the bedroom to change and he goes, "We need to talk." and I'm like, "Sure" thinking that I already know what's going to happen or what we're going to talk about and he goes, "You can't stay here anymore..." and we talked about it and he told me that his roommates are staying to feel uncomfortable that I'm here for so long and that I'm being of a slight distraction with him and his school work and Army ROTC. Since I'm around, he only wants to be with me and whatnot but he has to sleep and do so many other things, so he isn't doing as good in training in the morning and has to work extra hard and he missed a quiz in his psychology class and he has a ton of work to do.

I was apologizing for being such a burden and he told me that it wasn't my fault but he just can't help the fact that he wants to be with me all the time and he can't help the fact that he's just so attracted to me... That I'm being such a distraction and that's why it's so hard for him.

And his roommates pressured him into getting me out and making me leave. I asked him, "Do you want me to leave?" and he said, "No, of course not but it's effecting everyone in this apartment and me..." - Way to go, you should have thought about that when I told you we should wait. But he didn't realize that it was going to be THIS hard because he realized how hard it was to have me around when he wants to be with me ALL the time and not focus on what he has to do.

I told him, "But I don't want to leave..." and he said, "It's not like you're going to be gone forever. You're going to come back... If you don't, I'll come find you."

Sigh. You don't want me to leave but it's effecting others and you so it's best that I go. You want to wait until we're both ready and we don't know when that is. I just want to know if your feelings were sincere and if, in the future, you'd want to still be with me... And return to all this and what we wanted to begin with. Do you think you can wait for me? Because I can promise I can.

The roommates want me out by Wednesday or Thursday THIS WEEK. So it was either go back to Seattle or take the job in Los Angeles. I'm thinking of taking the quick money, get a part time job and earn a little.

Since he can't be in a public relationship with me just yet and I have no idea what we'd do because after he graduates, he's thinking of going active duty and of course, when you're active duty, you're stationed in different countries and get deployed. If and when I do get accepted in the Air Force, I'd be doing the same thing.

To be honest, I don't want to leave him and I don't want to lose him as well... I still have to finish THIS part of the conversation since we couldn't finish last night because I had to talk to my mom about leaving. I still haven't told her that I was with Aaron but I just told her that I think this was all rushed, I wasn't financially ready (which is true) and that I didn't plan very well. She was happy that I thought of this on my own... I wanted to get out of Seattle because I was just too tired of everyone (family) giving me things and telling me how worried they are for me. If I needed money, they'll be like, "Here's $500" or constantly talking to me about them being worried that I might not be thinking clearly and it was just all too much that I wanted to explode! I just wanted to do things on my own because I thought I was strong enough to land a job on my own, raise my own money and stuff like that and I just wanted to tell everyone who keeps worrying about me to shut their f*cking faces and leave me alone because I felt like I could do this on my own.

But apparently I was wrong. I need the help and whatnot.

He'll repay me because that's the least he can do.

I still have to talk to him tonight... I'm so scared and sad. I don't want to lose him....

The rest I can't talk about because it's TMI.