One Saddened Otter

So last night, I spoke with Blue Fox... I didn't get the chance to tell him everything that I felt, it was just too hard to bring up but for some reason, our conversation last night... Almost answered it for me.

Last night, he asked me "If I were a spy, and I had to let go everything and not see anyone anymore for the rest of my life and I could only bring one person and that one person is you... Would you be able to drop everything: Family, friends, your dog... Everything... Just to be with me and you would have to change your identity. Would you come with me?" I thought long and hard about it and I said "yes" and I wasn't just saying that to comfort him. I... Meant it. Then after a few minutes of random talking he asked me, "I have a question..." and I said, "What is it?" then he replied, "If we could only see each other once a month for one whole day and then wait the rest of the 29 days to pass again... Would you be able to wait for me?" and if you know me very, very, very, very well... You know that's an easy answer for me. I told Blue Fox, "Honestly? I can." and he was shocked. He said, "Really?!" and I said, "Yes. I can." He was so stunned at my answer all he said was "Really?" and I just kept saying, "Of course, of course, of course".

Then he finally said, "Your answer... Just made me want you more." I told him, "I can wait for you..." and then he said to me, "Baby doll, I wouldn't want you to wait for me. I wouldn't want you to be lonely..." but then I told him that, "Even if... I'd still wait for you." then I added, "Do you think... You'd be able to do it?" and he said, "Honestly? No. Because I'd be too lonely within those 29 days. I don't think I can do it. No." and I teared because what if I leave him? He won't be able to wait like me. I was really hoping that he'd say that he could wait for me because it's me he's waiting for...

That's where giving up everything comes in and that's where I was being truthful as well.

Then I asked, "If I were to finally be with you but then I have to leave for some time... Would you be able to wait for me?" and he said, "I don't know... (long pause) Maybe."

I'm scared to lose him because I know that I wouldn't be able to find someone like him and if I were to see some other girl take my place, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I finally found someone who has a part of me in him... We're so alike and we get along so well. It's like seeing myself in him and vise versa. I wouldn't want to leave that because once I do, once I lose my chance, I'll be stuck with mediocre guys who can't even compare and I know that Blue Fox might not be able to find any other girl like me... That's why I'm willing to give up things just so that I don't have to leave.

My emotional side is telling me that I should give up the Air Force, move out of Washington and go back to school even if it's just online classes and work at the same time. But the logical-side of me is saying that I cannot let go of the Air Force because this is what I've always wanted and worked so hard for and knowing that there aren't a lot of jobs hiring, school is getting more expensive by the semester... It would be a waste to let it go now that I'm in the system. They will help me with school, money, medical/dental and everything. And my logical side is saying that if I don't like it after my minimum years served, I can leave and do what I want, as long as I have the benefits on me. And I'm stuck in the middle. If Blue Fox can wait for me - just as I would do for him if ever he had to make that choice and not let me go - I can follow my logical-side. But if he can't... I don't know what I'd do.

Saddened,
Otter